ROOM!

my room has been newly arranged and cleaned. im so happy!

Who's to say That you were right And I was wrong Soldier on

had a decent two days. i almost died of lack of computer, it turned off and wouldn't turn on for a whole 24 hours.

so bizarre.

now im rearranging my room... hopefully... 

i post pictures maybe?

Books : Godless

The book Godless has really interesting concepts. and its really opened my eyes to religion and stuff. like i've always been religious but not like following all the rules and stuff. i've been confirmed but part of me just doesn't know. maybe i just don't really care or understand. i don't know.

the kid in this book makes his own religion, and he decides that his god is the town water tower, which makes sense, water is the center of all life. He also decides this is the god because its something physical. and sometimes you need something to believe in thats truly there. something you know exists. maybe i've just awoken the agnostic side of me. i don't know. i just think its good to think about these kinda things. to really search for what you want in life. i don't want to just believe in what my parents believe in and not know what other options there are in life, or even if i want to believe in anything. i still don't know. 

i would recommend the book if you hold an open mind about religion. or even if you aren't read it. its nice to be open minded. 

books.

new books.

Godless by Pete Hautman

Girl, 15, Charming But Insane by Sue Limb

Breathe: A Ghost Story by Cliff McNish

is it possible...

... i have no life. and im yelling at my sister for taking my crayons.

shakespeare sister?

my sister is watch the leonardo dicaprio version of Romeo and Juliet for the 3rd time this morning... why shes so in love with that movie i have no clue.

as emo as this sounds, im sick of life.

don't get me wrong. its not like I'm gonna kill myself or anything. life has just gotten so pointless. like its just full of disappointments... and the good times just don't always match up and outnumber those terrible moments. and just when things get good. someone yells at me and blames me for starting something. and no one wants to believe me or even try to listen to what i have to say... and then they laugh like its a big joke. have you ever had your family eat dinner with out you? and then let you know at 10 p.m. that your supper was there, just that no one came to tell you? i suppose that happens to people. but it hurts. a lot. and no one wants to believe me. and i don't want to be home anymore. i want to be anywhere but here. i want my friends. school is my saving grace. my only place to go.

well in result of the fight, i ran up to my room. cried for an hour. pulled my hair. napped. and drew a picture of Taylor Lautner. its rather good. i suppose i can thank my hormonal mother and father.

i feel so confused right now. some people have the right to be depressed and angry about their life, whether parents abuse them or divorce or whatever, i have none of that, and yet i feel like something is so wrong. A lot of times I'm happier at school. i just don't understand what is wrong with me. i must just have a twisted mind. maybe my dad is right... maybe im just a narcissistic bitch. oh well. off to bed.

twilight...

...was AMAZING!

end of story.

edward-always amazing.

bella- so real

emmett- HOT?

James- HOTTER?

Rosalie- bitch.

Jasper- Awkward? but hilarious

Alice- beautiful

jacob- HOT?

haha =]

it makes me so mad.

kids are so hypocritical. they get mad at being judged but they judge. they label but don't like to be labeled. they say things and yell at people for doing the things they say. its juat a hypocritical world. good-night.

my sister is so sick.

shes got a 104 temp and im hiding in my room hoping not to catch anything... no shoes again. i would do anything [not really] to get out of here. i wish someone would get me out... but alas my friends are busy. maybe i'll go to the school play with nikki. aha she signed online. 

~minutes later~

i am going to the play.

out of the house.

OMFG.

this made me die.

You got it, you got it, Some kind of magic. Hypnotic, hypnotic, You're leaving me breathless. I hate this, I hate this

ugh do you hate it when you really like someone and you just sorta wanna yell it in their face when you talk to them? they happen to be the coolest person and they dont even know how cool you think they are. im just rambling and this is so unintelligent but kajaslkjkajsflakjl alkjskjafs i tried not to believe it... but i so do. and aksjakdjsakljdowpqoiweoqw oqpiweoqiepo im so frustrated.

thinking.

i have no interest in typing my essay at moment although i will after dinner. i want to write one on Speak. essays can be fun to write... shoot me if you must... but analyzing something you enjoy is good but analyzing something you hate is atrocious. i don't hate The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time... but its not an essay book. essays ruin these books. the ones you mildly enjoy being forced to read but don't want to look farther than your nose. so at the current moment i am thinking about how i am going to redecorate my room... im almost positive i cannot get new decor, so im limited to a mural on my wall and rearranging the furniture and removing my mother's junk from MY closet. notice the MY im stressing. i have to decide what to paint my wall. 

A. something with sky... blue sky and clouds, maybe a grey rain cloud on one side and tall grass.

B. something my father wouldnt approve of. I am currently smiling deviously.

C. something trippy... something no one else would ever be able to figure out. color and splashes and spirals and turns and three dimensionality. maybe just a dash of insanity.

or

D. something normal. Please save me from this option.

Maybe none of those but those are my ideas at the moment. i suspect i will spend all evening thinking about this. but right now i need to start thinking about my paper. god. why do i procrastinate.

farewell. 

yeah lets be angry. it solves everything.

your disgusting dad. the dog crap on the floor isnt as bad. you cant even say hi. well hello to you too. just cause your politics rule your life doesnt mean you have to be crabby and irritable and make everyone upset and take it out on everyone else. got if i could say things to you i would at the moment.

lovely life right? im am super angry at the moment sorry about that.

my hips are apparently über flexible

my day was lame. the highlight was the bus as usual... very quiet and i can just stare out the window and day dream. soak up the days events and thoughts into a temporary reality in my head. i have a little movie player in my head. people think its the same as mine but im not so sure. i literally play back over and over a movie in my head. so detailed... i see everything i want to see. i can create exactly what i want in my movies and i can control people like puppets. marionette puppets. like in the sound of music. i create stories in my head before i fall asleep. i make dreams before i seriously fall asleep. i dream up exactly what i want in life and i can get it. usually they consist of stupid things like falling in mad love with someone i know i'll never have. or telling someone off, or going far away. like i said stupid. its stupid to dream because when you wake up like hits you like a fist in the nose and you sit there wiping the blood away sobbing that life isnt fair.

that was incredibly depressing. sorry not in the mood for optimism.

im tired of pessimism too... would that make me a hypocrite? everything i live around is pessimistic and nasty and mean. but i love the people just i wish i was surrounded by a moderate amount of optimism. i suppose its not my fault that im absorbing the radiation. everyone at school is negative too. 

"i hate this school i wanna go somewhere else" - my response for you... sorry your stuck here... i know you want to study other things better but thats what college is for hun... and yeah sometimes our school is full of testosterone fueled immature boys and rich snotty girls and the select nice people i try to associate with but thats not gonna change and you know it. its not gonna change that your stuck in a school that cant finish renovations but can supply us with plasma televisions that loop announcements no one reads. i am really truly sorry... this sounds sarcastic but its not really its just me being me.

"god i hate [him] hes so stupid" -my response for you... why yes he is stupid... but you flirt with him. a lot. and idk maybe you  dont mean to and im sorry but hes one of those testosterone-fueled immature boys i mentioned before and he will remain stupid till hes 21 at least. what can you do? nothing.

"your hat smells like cow s***" - my response for you... yes [he] does suck. dont talk to him you encourage the immaturity... you may be immature yourself but i like you. your funny immature. even though you do dumb things, i expect that from you... its you boy head. dont worry.

"i always have to do everything for you"- my response for you... yes mother. you still have to do things for me... im 15... i cant transport myself anywhere yet... i dont have a job and im still a kid. whether your in a bad mood or not, these things... they aint gonna change. i feel bad that i talk back to you but you dont listen. you contribute to the moodiness and the angriness and tenseness although daddy does a good job at making things tense. i love you dearly but you dont have a good ear for listening to me when i want you to... no matter how stupid the things that come out of my mouth are. im still a kid and i still need your help. dont just drop me. i cant do it all myself.

"my whole body is sore"- my response to you... i feel sympathy towards you. but you realize that the stress put on your body is all put on by you. you dance basically 5 days a week... im guessing. i mean i dance once a week and i feel aches a pains. so i feel your pain but remember one thing... you choose to do it.

Ok so basically i just ranted. im sorry if one of these quotes was you... although i only know of 2 maybe 3 people who read this blog that know me very personally and nothing they said bothered me or made me think so i believe im in the clear.

this guy on Grey's was out cold during surgery or surgery prep and he just woke up screaming... if that ever happened to me all hell would break lose.

thats probably it for tonight. im too lazy to do anything. dammit. why am i so lazy.

i went to dance tonight and my dance teacher is so great. dance is my outlet. this year i have been so happy to go to dance. and despite my knee problems i went tonight because i needed to dance. im not the best dancer but i love it for some reason. it just soothes my soul to gracefully move around the floor. today there were only 2 other girls there. i love when that happens cause she can tell me what im doing wrong and correct me and even if she told me i was wrong all class i would be happy, i like to know what im doing wrong. a while back i had a dance teacher who told me i was wrong a lot. and two girls who were my friends tried to convince me that i didnt like her, that it was wrong for her to correct me so much. they even tried to convince the studio owner to make the teacher teach us lyrical instead of ballet. that makes me furious to the day. they tried to control everything. but any who... my dance teacher told me i have super super flexible turn out and hips. i just have to tuck my pelvis and butt under and pull out from my muscles. then i'll be able to turn out straight. i was rather happy about that. im not the most flexible, i do however have flexible ankles and legs. but i cannot do a split or a heel stretch. enough of me. good night. again. you get another sticker for your forehead if you read all of this.

if im like my parents to my kids....

what does a head shake mean anyways? like really? you ask them or call them out on the headshake and they deny it... i suppose i just see things then... they didnt really just shake their heads im just experiencing vertigo where people's heads magically move side to side in shame or frustration. if they dont like us they should just send us away... as simple as that.

my life has transformed into an apathetic shapeless grey blob

well my life has officially become the most boring thing that has ever hit earth.

i woke up this morning and feel like i was going to pass out. The bathroom light was far too overstimulating and i couldnt even see as i robotically pee and comb my hair. its a good thing i have a routine or i would have been wandering around like a zombie. i wore my rivalry t shirt... which i liked until i cut it too short and i looked like an 80's wannabe. so i tied it. and ate a very unsatisfying breakfast but i enjoyed my tropicana orange juice. they shove some sunshine in that stuff or something because i love orange juice and its so yum. then i went to school. english was boring. except i love my friends. they brightened me up. i was actually semi-awake at that point. design wasnt too bad. i rather like that class. tomorrow i begin painting the floor which is exciting. then health. i like my friends in there too. we discussed embarrassing/ painful injuries and it was pretty funny. but we have a project to make a PSA so i cant wait to make video. that would be great. we used the drunk goggles... note to self: dont ever get drunk... geometry wasnt god awful either. ive come to enjoy it more because its so easy for me to understand. ive got a great B+ in that class so no complaints. I got to read some of Speak for english. i love that book. i totally relate to her, but i mean i havent been raped and i actually have friends but shes got some sort of relate-able charisma about her. i finally figured out why no one will talk to her but i wont spoil it for anyone. Then came lunch. lunch was ok. lauren was absent but nikki and steph were there. i was pretty dull today. im just really tired and im considering napping now... but maybe i'll just wait. History i almost fell asleep.... enough said. and Spanish was decent. i got a good grade on my in class thinger. but only cause i got the easy part. Then Bio. god. i have a C+ and it sucks cause its my fault and it was three big homework. but Ms. Mohan, being the nicest teacher she is, is letting me hand it in late. i owe her. I had to rush out to my locker and managed to sprint to the bus, nearly missing it. the bus is one of my favorite times of day though. im the last one off, but my bus is silent. everyone sits quietly and i can relax and basically day dream and think for a good half an hour. its terrific. today i almost fell asleep. most people would find it incredibly boring but i can lean my head against the window and listen to the lull of the engine and watch the clouds and scenery. just observe everything about everything. and i can think about anything i want too. just nice. that was basically my day, very dull and boring. not terrible... i'd give it a red car and a yellow car. I was just thinking about one of my favorite songs, Cassie (acoustic version) by Flyleaf. Flyleaf is so great. I'm not into christian rock or that kind of music at all, but flyleaf has christian influence. One line in this song is 

"Don't be shocked people die; Be surprised your still alive"

the song is about this girl being matryed. she died because she believed in god, i believe it was during the columbine shootings. but that line seriously speaks to me. im not overly religious but its very touching and idk there are certain things that just move me. just thought i'd share. congrats if you read all this... you get a sticker.

so you had a horrible day?

yeah basically today sucks.

except that im going to get my twilight CD. i feel like im gonna fall asleep while writing this.

ow fuckity ow... my head hurts like ow. and aksjdklajskdjaskdj

aksjdkajskjdkajskdj

ELECTION DAY!

GO DADDY!

and 

GO MCCAIN!