imagine all the people, living for today.

took a mental health day today. i was feeling extremely exhausted and i was thinking about things and i was tired of it all. And yesterday I felt like a spiteful bitch, i did things i regret terribly. and whatever. today was like meditation. i just need to forget everything in the past. its all done with, and i can't change it. So i need to live for today. live for whats coming my way. make the best with what happened. I need to stop regretting, and hating for things i cannot change, its making me so angry and spiteful. im not like that. *takes deep breath* im releasing everything. placing everything on a shelf. i dont need to think about everything everyday, it doesnt make it go away faster. its making it worse.

Listen to the Masterplan by Oasis... it defines this blog.

How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?

So yesterday, my dog was apparently let out of the house to go to the bathroom, and she walked away. and she wasnt found last night. but it didnt hit me until last night when it got dark and i came home to a dog-free house. god. i feel so guilty. i think i was the one to let her out. shes never ever wandered... so we never had to watch her... so i must have just let her out when i got home, out of habit. and im not like crying or anything. I'm just sitting here, with a vacant expression on my face. and the whole family is kinda sullen. :[ notheless i was so pumped for today, and now im feeling a little off. I guess if anyone lives near me, keep your eye out....

wait! animal control JUST called! i think they have her?! YAY!!!

I’m coming back for more Don’t let your heart go Please don’t walk away.

Today was the slowest moving day of my life. by 6th period i wanted to go home. I guess i have a little spring fever. 

Tonight is battle of the bands. Should be fun! I'm going with em and george. and other people are going too.

TOMORROW IS THE RESCUE! I'm soooo excited.

"Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it"

Princess Bride. Good book. I highly recommend it. I fell in love with Westley. Hes perfect.

So I can go to The Rescue event on saturday. I'm very excited. It should be a very rewarding experience.

Other than that, I'm simply exhausted. Emotionally, Physically, Psychologically... any way you can think of. I've lately come home, and even when I don't physically feel tired, I want to sleep, just to get away from everything. I need this weekend badly. Thank god tommorrow is friday!

I was told to listen to the song Change Your Mind by the Killers; It really does have a great message. You want someone to love you back... and they can't. And you just can't accept that. You need them to reconsider, change their mind. "So if the answer is no Can I change your mind?"

I missed 11:11 by like 3 minutes. Shoot.

All the lyrics that I wrote not as smart as the words you spoke

ok. so that was a terribly vague post last night.

i had finally gotten over the fact that there were barriers... that there were lines i couldn't cross, i was adapting to that. i was finding other ways to talk, finding ways to get over everything. and then in one night, he has melted those barriers. Do guy friends call their girl friends adorable? like over and over and over. ok, maybe sometimes, but this was weird. it was like he was repeating it for effect. and then he tells me that the whole "him finding out i like him" thing was ridiculous. and he said " It WAS ridiculous because all I said was that i knew." WHAT THE HELL? seriously. what does that mean? he made it pretty clear to emily, me, and even sonia, that he was sorry it had to be this way. ugh. and now he's like clearing his reputation. i didn't question him about it... but i plan on doing it. i am NOT going to let him play with my emotions. its not fair. he is really good at manipulating me. we joke about it too. joke about his charm and how i can't help but tell him things. and i do not want to be used. maybe its not intentional. maybe it is. i don't even know. and then he rambles on and on about me just saying things to elicit a response out of him. and then he said he was doing that to me... but he wouldn't explain it all to me. god its not fair. why did i like someone so fucking complicated?boys are supposed to be a little stupid and kinda oblivious.

so confused.

playing with my emotions i swear, whether intentional or not... he is.

jesus stole my baby.

*sigh* i am not looking forward to easter. i feel obligated to believe in something, im not sure i do believe in. i don't even know what i am. and i can't get into the mood. i get the whole meaning of easter, i just don't know. im blindly trying to find something i can put my whole heart into. i feel corrupted. like all my childhood, i was obligated to believe what my parents and everyone else believed, having no say in the matter, and i even grew up through my early teen years thinking that i should believe it cause its just what i believe, but i don't know anymore.

I wish i was still as sick as i was yesterday so i could have an excuse to stay home.

I'm sorry :[ im being really bah humbugish. excuse me.

feeling oh so icky and sicky.

it is 6 04 am. yes am... in the morning. im sick. definitely not allergies. i couldnt sleep at all last night. and im brutally exhausted. why me?

im gonna go see if i can get comfortable enough to catch like a couple of minutes of sleep while its still somewhat dark.

I'm gonna speak my mind take me up to the top of the world

New Philosophy: Nothing changed. At All.

Successful: Yes

Current Mood: Better than I've been in the past two weeks. 

Evaluation: Yes I felt like making this all weird for you to read. Anyways, I love my philosophies, they seem to work. I make a revelation about emotion, and how to handle it, and it always helps if I stick with this new idea. So I decided that since getting over him has proven painful and difficult to do, that I have *every* right to still like him. 

1. He is not in a relationship. 

2. There is still a chance (I don't mean to sound hopeful, but there is) 

3. He told me nothing had to change. 

4. He doesn't seem to mind that I still flirt. 

So those are my reasons. Weirdly, I feel like i did before two weeks ago. . . Its a little eerie. Like extreme déjà vu. I'm not regretting anything like I have been for two weeks. And all the memories of things went back to having meaning again. Like everything at Emily's party meant something, I know it. Maybe not the exact same meaning, but *something*. I have theories. Maybe it's stupid and incredibly naive to let myself fall into this trap. Perhaps I should have learned my lesson. Is this just my brain making up false hope to cope? God I hope not. Maybe I'm setting myself up to get shot down, but I'm ready for that bullet. Seriously. A little masochistic. But I don't think I can get hurt much more than I was, and now I feel like I am past it. I think I'm going to make a Pros and Cons list. Pros to sticking with this crush, and the Cons. I'll get back to you with it. But I am pretty sure this will work for me. Its been successful for the past two days. . . cross your fingers for me.

I've got troubled thoughts, and a self esteem to match.

I don't even know. for the past two weeks ive just been completely listless. like i just can't find motivation. and i know everyone has told me "it'll take time" however, im not so convinced, im not the one to dwell on the little things, not to stop going when things get rough, so taking a two week break from that atitude is throwing me way out of whack. and my self esteem is gone. i've been so self critical and i can't find anything good about myself recently. i can't organize my thoughts or filter everything out anymore. and to put it nicely, i feel like shit. im bottling everything up. im going to explode. i can feel it. unless we go to the concert. and i think everything is counting on this concert. i can feel it. i just need normalcy, a sense that everything is still okay. even if not the concert, a movie or hanging out or something. whether i can attain his love or not, he makes me so happy. he just smiles at me and i cant help it. its like a drug. sounds really sick, and cheesy. i know. but there isnt another way to describe it.