crazy times at costello music.

Oh yeah, all right
Are you going to be in my dreams
Tonight?
And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love
You make

The End By the Beatles

Short Sweet and to the point. but doesnt it make sense that you would take the same amount of love you take. ahhh love is on my mind. however its so aksjdkajskd confusing. and i dont even know if im ready for it yet. i just want love. and sometimes i want someone to love me. not like friends or family... like a boyfriend. I'm not in love with the title boyfriend, im just a romantic. i probably just dont take enough risks. like if i just got over the fear stage maybe i'd get somewhere. I'm afraid of that though. and its not even that i fear of failure... im just scared in general. skkfljskdjfkj. im just rambling.

my thoughts you cant decode.

crushes suck. end.of.story.

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tommorrow, let it be.

Ahh much better mood. recap of yesterday and today:

so i forgot to do my lab report, so i had to do it last night to get credit. Then the lovely ms. Zaleski and her emotional baggage, decides, hey why dont i just let the kids do the bulk of their DBQs at home. that was the end of my relaxing 2 days before break. so i came home, could not check my facebook or aim, and got straight to work on my lab report. it was 6:30 pm when i finished. i had a massive headache at that point and all i wanted to do was eat shower and sleep. and i did that. forgetting how stressful writing a DBQ is, i left it all to be done today. so i head off to bed at 8:30pm. I was out like a light. suddenly i wake up and its still dark out. i kept tossing and turning, i felt very uncomfortable and just couldnt go back to sleep. so i turn on my TV and roll over to look at my clock.... 2 am. it was unbelievable, of all nights to experience my occasional insomnia.  i figured it would just take a couple of minutes to fall back to sleep... it was 2 hours. TWO HOURS! after flipping channels and watching everything from a TV special about a drag queen, to a body suit that makes you lose 4 inches around your midsection, and animal cops Houston. finally around 4 am i fell asleep. it was like hell i swear. well i woke up fine because i basically had just fallen asleep. i downed a mug of green tea, orange juice, an oatmeal raisin muffin, and a bowl of cereal. i trudged into school, in fairly good spirits, i didnt expect to have to do anything, but then i realized i had to do my DBQ. however english was good, i love that class. then design, another great class, we are going to design t-shirts. so im psyched. then period 3 came, and i had to go to the library to print my lab report and write my DBQ. that period ended and then came geometry, and i actually dont mind that class, i really feel bad for those kids who chose to take honors because i'm breezing through academic. geometry makes much more sense to me. anywho, i attempted to write more during lunch but i get too easily distracted, then i went to history, wrote another paragraph, and she let me hand it in by 12 pm. so i went off to spanish, put the DBQ under my bingo sheet and finished my refuting paragraph. she got pissed that i wouldnt put it away, but i got a bingo anyways, im so good at multitasking in that class, its like a 3rd free period. then bio came, and i scrambled together a conclusion and enjoyed bio. 

basically all day was stressful, but now that im home im in an utterly pleasant mood, just thinking about our 12 days off from school. hum. im relaxed.

spoiled

yeah im such a spoiled bitch.

i hate this.

yeah so i did some bitchin signs, bumperstickers and stickers for my dad's campaign, i also designed 3 fliers for him. He promised to pay me as much as 500 DOLLARS. and guess what. he can't provide an explanation of where it is. and i asked him if he spent it, and he smiled. SERIOUSLY? REALLY? im not finding the humor in taking advantage of your daughter.

and i get stuck in this goddamn house with my stupid sisters and im just about at my exploding point. I NEED TO GET OUT. NOOW. my blood pressure is probably through the roof and im crying and clenching my fists. im so destructive.

hope this is the last time... this conversation's been.... dead on arrival.

i am so happy having a snow day.

my sister turned up the volume on the tv so i turned up my music. HA. i'm such a bitch.

just watched Chuck & Larry... good movie, yeah its perverted and inappropriate, but in the end, there's a good moral.

1. best friends will do anything for you. 

2. it doesn't matter who you love, its that your in love. and people shouldn't judge you for who you love.

The whole gay marriage thing makes me upset. how can people say that they can't get married? who is to say that our whole country has to follow christian beliefs? i mean we are supposed to be the "Melting Pot". We are supposed to be comprised of every sort of people. And we created this country for separation of church and state. how can our government vote to band gay marraige, would that not be a religious thing? shouldn't that be a separate issue? who says christians can rule the government and everyone else's laws. it doesnt make sense to me. maybe i'm missing something key.

And i understand why christians are against it, it says marriage is between a man and a woman. But do you think god would never want change in this world? Do you think he would never change the rules? He's supposedly this all loving god, but some people think he'll send people to hell for being DIFFERENT. so if it said Women couldn't have short hair in the bible, every woman who wanted short hair would go to hell? then im going to hell.

think about those people we're repressing. It seems all to similar to those events in our past. We can let Black people live in our country but we can't let them drink from OUR water fountain. We can make them sit on the BACK of the bus if we want to because we are in the majority. Only now its, We can let homosexuals love each other, but they cant use the term marriage, thats OUR form of partnership. Its like religious people think they OWN the word. 

This is one of the reasons i'm still questioning my beliefs after my confirmation. Its just confusing. I wish people could just see these things. Its not fair. 

Sorry if i offended. That movie just made me think about it. Thats all. Feel free to discuss it with me.

Anyways, im enjoying my snow day. hopefully i can get my haircut this weekend. too bad i cant dye it darker. oh well.

farewell.

Guitar.

I'm working on a couple songs

Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's

Sun Child- The Vines

Possibly...

Wonderwall- Oasis

I Constantly Thank God For Esteban

today was actually pretty good. until i had a revelation about something and it made me feel really sick, because no matter what i do, its just gonna turn out shitty. but i suppose its better to have tried and failed than not have tried at all.

well im in a much better mood now. i enjoy the company of my friends at school. they always make me feel better. i always sound so depressed but im really not. i promise. haha.

nothing else to report.

ta ta for now.

christmas + family = joke.

um. i was good all day. i say one thing. and OH im the freakin bad guy victoria is crowned high princess and of course she makes a scene and King daddy goes and hugs her and cuddles her. typical. and i should be used to it by now. he doesnt really love me. if he does, he does a shitty job of proving it. and when i SERIOUSLY HONESTY tell them how i feel, its a joke. they DONT care. im alone in this house, and they dont want to show me any affection unless im the perfect model child. well in the words of the vines, F.T.W. and all it's ridiculous holiday "spirit". it doesn't mean anything to anyone any more. I dont care what anyone says, even if you go around proclaiming your love for jesus, its not about jesus being born anymore. its about trees, and gifts, and all the commercial garbage they put out. you get sucked into the very merry christmas vortex of malls, and online shopping. On black friday, they TRAMPLED a man to DEATH, because they wanted to buy christmas presents. greedy. oh well. merry christmas to all, maybe my christmas spirit will improve tomorrow, if it does, it'll only last for a little while, until my parents will choose to BLAME me again. its so awesome, i always dreamed of being yelled at my whole life.

now they just laughed at me crying. doesn't that make me feel special.

Sun child You're a sun child Awoken by the spirit of the day Will I wild Speaking so mild

Listening to Sun Child by the Vines.

i am crazy. In fact, ive changed my taste in music in one day. well sorta. i still have slight interest in my fueled by ramen guilty pleasures, but i realized how much i love the indie rock genre. so much more. thank you matthew and george. and emily, in an unintentional way. im sorta babbling.

Nothing to report.

I went to Vermont and had a BLAST. im tired just thinking about it. ask me in person if you must, but there are no words to describe the fun.I'm so confused about love right now. i dont know anything about that kinda stuff. i wish i could just take chances but im a freaking idiot when it comes to being outgoing. 

ahhhh im hearing noises. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk.

goodnight.

Extra PSA Contest

I feel like doing a PSA contest for teen driving, but i have no clue what to do or who will help.

Currently Listening to Arabesque by Debussy

I'm yawning as i write this. I need sleep but i seem to always deprive myself of it.

Today was really boring, nothing exciting happened. It was just like a really BLAH day and almost every teacher was out. We did... nothing. SHOCKER.

I just blow dried my hair. its all soft. but i just looked in the mirror and i NEED another haircut badly. its too long. and its insane for me to be saying that but its below my shoulders already. If i keep chopping hair off at this rate, it might be gone. Anyways im thinking cutting my hair off right below my chin with the usual layers and angles. maybe more dramatic... oh who knows. im just babbling.

[playing: Bella's Lullaby by Carter Burwell]

prepare for some very rambly strange mumblings...

So i feel very stuck, i could talk to this guy before i admitted it to myself. and im feeling like confused. because like, i used to be like so comfortable talking to him and like aksjkdjjdskjaiwue. and i blame it on his friends making it awkward, but that was my lame excuse last time and i just dont know. [I Hate This Song- Secondhand Serenade] its my sick infatuation with guys. and if i dont say i like them, everything is cool, but if i tell my self the deep dark truth, its super awkward. grr. i hate it. im angry at myself. anywho, hes adorable, and we had a very nice aim discussion the other day. he suggested just going around the city and getting into shenanigans. which sounds fun no matter who suggested it. haha. I LOOOVE the city... ugh. my stomach hurts. im probably just stressing my self out over all this + lack of sleep.

goodnight.

decode that if you must but im thinking and hoping maybe its just a phase.

ROOM!

my room has been newly arranged and cleaned. im so happy!

Who's to say That you were right And I was wrong Soldier on

had a decent two days. i almost died of lack of computer, it turned off and wouldn't turn on for a whole 24 hours.

so bizarre.

now im rearranging my room... hopefully... 

i post pictures maybe?

Books : Godless

The book Godless has really interesting concepts. and its really opened my eyes to religion and stuff. like i've always been religious but not like following all the rules and stuff. i've been confirmed but part of me just doesn't know. maybe i just don't really care or understand. i don't know.

the kid in this book makes his own religion, and he decides that his god is the town water tower, which makes sense, water is the center of all life. He also decides this is the god because its something physical. and sometimes you need something to believe in thats truly there. something you know exists. maybe i've just awoken the agnostic side of me. i don't know. i just think its good to think about these kinda things. to really search for what you want in life. i don't want to just believe in what my parents believe in and not know what other options there are in life, or even if i want to believe in anything. i still don't know. 

i would recommend the book if you hold an open mind about religion. or even if you aren't read it. its nice to be open minded. 

books.

new books.

Godless by Pete Hautman

Girl, 15, Charming But Insane by Sue Limb

Breathe: A Ghost Story by Cliff McNish

is it possible...

... i have no life. and im yelling at my sister for taking my crayons.

shakespeare sister?

my sister is watch the leonardo dicaprio version of Romeo and Juliet for the 3rd time this morning... why shes so in love with that movie i have no clue.

as emo as this sounds, im sick of life.

don't get me wrong. its not like I'm gonna kill myself or anything. life has just gotten so pointless. like its just full of disappointments... and the good times just don't always match up and outnumber those terrible moments. and just when things get good. someone yells at me and blames me for starting something. and no one wants to believe me or even try to listen to what i have to say... and then they laugh like its a big joke. have you ever had your family eat dinner with out you? and then let you know at 10 p.m. that your supper was there, just that no one came to tell you? i suppose that happens to people. but it hurts. a lot. and no one wants to believe me. and i don't want to be home anymore. i want to be anywhere but here. i want my friends. school is my saving grace. my only place to go.

well in result of the fight, i ran up to my room. cried for an hour. pulled my hair. napped. and drew a picture of Taylor Lautner. its rather good. i suppose i can thank my hormonal mother and father.

i feel so confused right now. some people have the right to be depressed and angry about their life, whether parents abuse them or divorce or whatever, i have none of that, and yet i feel like something is so wrong. A lot of times I'm happier at school. i just don't understand what is wrong with me. i must just have a twisted mind. maybe my dad is right... maybe im just a narcissistic bitch. oh well. off to bed.

twilight...

...was AMAZING!

end of story.

edward-always amazing.

bella- so real

emmett- HOT?

James- HOTTER?

Rosalie- bitch.

Jasper- Awkward? but hilarious

Alice- beautiful

jacob- HOT?

haha =]

it makes me so mad.

kids are so hypocritical. they get mad at being judged but they judge. they label but don't like to be labeled. they say things and yell at people for doing the things they say. its juat a hypocritical world. good-night.

my sister is so sick.

shes got a 104 temp and im hiding in my room hoping not to catch anything... no shoes again. i would do anything [not really] to get out of here. i wish someone would get me out... but alas my friends are busy. maybe i'll go to the school play with nikki. aha she signed online. 

~minutes later~

i am going to the play.

out of the house.

OMFG.

this made me die.

You got it, you got it, Some kind of magic. Hypnotic, hypnotic, You're leaving me breathless. I hate this, I hate this

ugh do you hate it when you really like someone and you just sorta wanna yell it in their face when you talk to them? they happen to be the coolest person and they dont even know how cool you think they are. im just rambling and this is so unintelligent but kajaslkjkajsflakjl alkjskjafs i tried not to believe it... but i so do. and aksjakdjsakljdowpqoiweoqw oqpiweoqiepo im so frustrated.

thinking.

i have no interest in typing my essay at moment although i will after dinner. i want to write one on Speak. essays can be fun to write... shoot me if you must... but analyzing something you enjoy is good but analyzing something you hate is atrocious. i don't hate The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time... but its not an essay book. essays ruin these books. the ones you mildly enjoy being forced to read but don't want to look farther than your nose. so at the current moment i am thinking about how i am going to redecorate my room... im almost positive i cannot get new decor, so im limited to a mural on my wall and rearranging the furniture and removing my mother's junk from MY closet. notice the MY im stressing. i have to decide what to paint my wall. 

A. something with sky... blue sky and clouds, maybe a grey rain cloud on one side and tall grass.

B. something my father wouldnt approve of. I am currently smiling deviously.

C. something trippy... something no one else would ever be able to figure out. color and splashes and spirals and turns and three dimensionality. maybe just a dash of insanity.

or

D. something normal. Please save me from this option.

Maybe none of those but those are my ideas at the moment. i suspect i will spend all evening thinking about this. but right now i need to start thinking about my paper. god. why do i procrastinate.

farewell. 

yeah lets be angry. it solves everything.

your disgusting dad. the dog crap on the floor isnt as bad. you cant even say hi. well hello to you too. just cause your politics rule your life doesnt mean you have to be crabby and irritable and make everyone upset and take it out on everyone else. got if i could say things to you i would at the moment.

lovely life right? im am super angry at the moment sorry about that.

my hips are apparently über flexible

my day was lame. the highlight was the bus as usual... very quiet and i can just stare out the window and day dream. soak up the days events and thoughts into a temporary reality in my head. i have a little movie player in my head. people think its the same as mine but im not so sure. i literally play back over and over a movie in my head. so detailed... i see everything i want to see. i can create exactly what i want in my movies and i can control people like puppets. marionette puppets. like in the sound of music. i create stories in my head before i fall asleep. i make dreams before i seriously fall asleep. i dream up exactly what i want in life and i can get it. usually they consist of stupid things like falling in mad love with someone i know i'll never have. or telling someone off, or going far away. like i said stupid. its stupid to dream because when you wake up like hits you like a fist in the nose and you sit there wiping the blood away sobbing that life isnt fair.

that was incredibly depressing. sorry not in the mood for optimism.

im tired of pessimism too... would that make me a hypocrite? everything i live around is pessimistic and nasty and mean. but i love the people just i wish i was surrounded by a moderate amount of optimism. i suppose its not my fault that im absorbing the radiation. everyone at school is negative too. 

"i hate this school i wanna go somewhere else" - my response for you... sorry your stuck here... i know you want to study other things better but thats what college is for hun... and yeah sometimes our school is full of testosterone fueled immature boys and rich snotty girls and the select nice people i try to associate with but thats not gonna change and you know it. its not gonna change that your stuck in a school that cant finish renovations but can supply us with plasma televisions that loop announcements no one reads. i am really truly sorry... this sounds sarcastic but its not really its just me being me.

"god i hate [him] hes so stupid" -my response for you... why yes he is stupid... but you flirt with him. a lot. and idk maybe you  dont mean to and im sorry but hes one of those testosterone-fueled immature boys i mentioned before and he will remain stupid till hes 21 at least. what can you do? nothing.

"your hat smells like cow s***" - my response for you... yes [he] does suck. dont talk to him you encourage the immaturity... you may be immature yourself but i like you. your funny immature. even though you do dumb things, i expect that from you... its you boy head. dont worry.

"i always have to do everything for you"- my response for you... yes mother. you still have to do things for me... im 15... i cant transport myself anywhere yet... i dont have a job and im still a kid. whether your in a bad mood or not, these things... they aint gonna change. i feel bad that i talk back to you but you dont listen. you contribute to the moodiness and the angriness and tenseness although daddy does a good job at making things tense. i love you dearly but you dont have a good ear for listening to me when i want you to... no matter how stupid the things that come out of my mouth are. im still a kid and i still need your help. dont just drop me. i cant do it all myself.

"my whole body is sore"- my response to you... i feel sympathy towards you. but you realize that the stress put on your body is all put on by you. you dance basically 5 days a week... im guessing. i mean i dance once a week and i feel aches a pains. so i feel your pain but remember one thing... you choose to do it.

Ok so basically i just ranted. im sorry if one of these quotes was you... although i only know of 2 maybe 3 people who read this blog that know me very personally and nothing they said bothered me or made me think so i believe im in the clear.

this guy on Grey's was out cold during surgery or surgery prep and he just woke up screaming... if that ever happened to me all hell would break lose.

thats probably it for tonight. im too lazy to do anything. dammit. why am i so lazy.

i went to dance tonight and my dance teacher is so great. dance is my outlet. this year i have been so happy to go to dance. and despite my knee problems i went tonight because i needed to dance. im not the best dancer but i love it for some reason. it just soothes my soul to gracefully move around the floor. today there were only 2 other girls there. i love when that happens cause she can tell me what im doing wrong and correct me and even if she told me i was wrong all class i would be happy, i like to know what im doing wrong. a while back i had a dance teacher who told me i was wrong a lot. and two girls who were my friends tried to convince me that i didnt like her, that it was wrong for her to correct me so much. they even tried to convince the studio owner to make the teacher teach us lyrical instead of ballet. that makes me furious to the day. they tried to control everything. but any who... my dance teacher told me i have super super flexible turn out and hips. i just have to tuck my pelvis and butt under and pull out from my muscles. then i'll be able to turn out straight. i was rather happy about that. im not the most flexible, i do however have flexible ankles and legs. but i cannot do a split or a heel stretch. enough of me. good night. again. you get another sticker for your forehead if you read all of this.

if im like my parents to my kids....

what does a head shake mean anyways? like really? you ask them or call them out on the headshake and they deny it... i suppose i just see things then... they didnt really just shake their heads im just experiencing vertigo where people's heads magically move side to side in shame or frustration. if they dont like us they should just send us away... as simple as that.

my life has transformed into an apathetic shapeless grey blob

well my life has officially become the most boring thing that has ever hit earth.

i woke up this morning and feel like i was going to pass out. The bathroom light was far too overstimulating and i couldnt even see as i robotically pee and comb my hair. its a good thing i have a routine or i would have been wandering around like a zombie. i wore my rivalry t shirt... which i liked until i cut it too short and i looked like an 80's wannabe. so i tied it. and ate a very unsatisfying breakfast but i enjoyed my tropicana orange juice. they shove some sunshine in that stuff or something because i love orange juice and its so yum. then i went to school. english was boring. except i love my friends. they brightened me up. i was actually semi-awake at that point. design wasnt too bad. i rather like that class. tomorrow i begin painting the floor which is exciting. then health. i like my friends in there too. we discussed embarrassing/ painful injuries and it was pretty funny. but we have a project to make a PSA so i cant wait to make video. that would be great. we used the drunk goggles... note to self: dont ever get drunk... geometry wasnt god awful either. ive come to enjoy it more because its so easy for me to understand. ive got a great B+ in that class so no complaints. I got to read some of Speak for english. i love that book. i totally relate to her, but i mean i havent been raped and i actually have friends but shes got some sort of relate-able charisma about her. i finally figured out why no one will talk to her but i wont spoil it for anyone. Then came lunch. lunch was ok. lauren was absent but nikki and steph were there. i was pretty dull today. im just really tired and im considering napping now... but maybe i'll just wait. History i almost fell asleep.... enough said. and Spanish was decent. i got a good grade on my in class thinger. but only cause i got the easy part. Then Bio. god. i have a C+ and it sucks cause its my fault and it was three big homework. but Ms. Mohan, being the nicest teacher she is, is letting me hand it in late. i owe her. I had to rush out to my locker and managed to sprint to the bus, nearly missing it. the bus is one of my favorite times of day though. im the last one off, but my bus is silent. everyone sits quietly and i can relax and basically day dream and think for a good half an hour. its terrific. today i almost fell asleep. most people would find it incredibly boring but i can lean my head against the window and listen to the lull of the engine and watch the clouds and scenery. just observe everything about everything. and i can think about anything i want too. just nice. that was basically my day, very dull and boring. not terrible... i'd give it a red car and a yellow car. I was just thinking about one of my favorite songs, Cassie (acoustic version) by Flyleaf. Flyleaf is so great. I'm not into christian rock or that kind of music at all, but flyleaf has christian influence. One line in this song is 

"Don't be shocked people die; Be surprised your still alive"

the song is about this girl being matryed. she died because she believed in god, i believe it was during the columbine shootings. but that line seriously speaks to me. im not overly religious but its very touching and idk there are certain things that just move me. just thought i'd share. congrats if you read all this... you get a sticker.

so you had a horrible day?

yeah basically today sucks.

except that im going to get my twilight CD. i feel like im gonna fall asleep while writing this.

ow fuckity ow... my head hurts like ow. and aksjdklajskdjaskdj

aksjdkajskjdkajskdj

ELECTION DAY!

GO DADDY!

and 

GO MCCAIN!

=] the reason i smile

i sense the beginning of a wonderful friendship 

=]] 

*sigh*

"stay warm"

=] hehehe. im warm now.

kajskjdlk <3

why do people have to be so kajslkdjskd wierd and aksjdkjs cute!?!?! its killing me >_<

working

i am putting my creative genious to work and putting together a completely homemade halloween costume... i figured i shouldnt spend much on a costume and its not a great time to be begging for oodles of money form the parentals at the moment. 

nothing else exciting... i mean it was really one of the most un-exciting days in school ever... only thing that bugged me was ms. cohen and ms. griffing.

~ms. cohen thinks im a dumbass at the computer and i told her i knew what i was annoying and stalked off miffed that she couldnt dazzle me with her neanderthal skill level at the computer. 

~ms. griffin (aka: i seriously doubt anyone likes this woman Griffin) had to of had repeated , "PLEASE SIT IN THE ROW WITH YOUR FOURTH PERIOD CLASS YOUR TEACHER WILL TAKE ATTENDANCE.", a good 100 times. plus... my teacher wasnt even there along with 95% of the other teachers. and i totally could have sat with nikki and sonia. except the assembly wasnt bad.

eh that was the excitement of the day. i dont have any crushes or class drama to blab about and its making me so bored. well actually as long as the drama doesnt involve me im totally good.

OK My Day Today

so i got to school. basically freaked out. i had an english essay for the Lord of the Fliezzz test and in 45 minutes i got... 1 paragraph... and 1/2 done *smiles meekly* i was utterly DISTRACTED! dont blame me for my stressed out head. but we got about 30 minutes today and i got 3 body paragraphs done and half the intro... so maybe... maybe i wont fail... epicly (is that a word?) anywho... that was over and done with... and i was calm and collected... for a while.

period 2 i have design class and our next project happens to be a news magazine where you pick obama or mccain... oh you would think it would be no big deal... but since my conservative nature is so outnumbered a simple "i like Palin" statement is murder. i was yelled at from multiple directions and couldnt even get a word out to tell people how i felt about the whole thing. stupid boys. they just like to make fun of her moose hunting hehe. i'll talk about politics later... im a little sick of them... but then the freshmen sluts were discussing tampons and how much they hurt to take out... not something i was pleased to eavesdrop on. =\ 

period 3 then i had gym and one of my guy friends was kinda ignoring me and my friends... it doesnt help when your gym teacher makes him feel uncomfortable for talking to girls. stupid gym teachers. i also discovered i pulled something under my knee... probably a hamstring and it only hurt when i stretch it... whatever. 

period 4 was as exciting as geometry can be... 

period 5 is lunch.... AHHH lunch... not nearly as epic as last year but it has its share of epic-ness... i love nikki. hahaha. our topics vary from male/female body parts to the hills (hate that show) to politics to algebra class. haha gotta love us. 

period 7 was jsut spanish with "nancy"... shes nice enough to live through spanish. 

period 8 is a disaster...but i've got a B+ in there so no sweat. i love my bio teacher... shes so sweet. 

then i came home and procratinated and then did my MASTERPIECE of a health project. its actually really good i think... i probably did something wrong... i always do but i think i did it pretty well.

nothing particularly interesting. maybe a little but not much. gotta go shower at 11 22 pm... my hair will be all cowlickyy so i will have to pull out the straighening iron in the morning.

g'night.

Procrastination is my drug

procratinating.

yup. thats what i am currently doing.

i have a health project i should be doing.

if i had i choice i think drawing is what i would be doing.

procrastinating

i thought it was rahter clever.

no really i have to go... i'll blog about my day when im done =] so virtually this was another pointless blog.

blogging

i went and read some of my posts and i think i might have the brain of a 3 year old. sont i have anything more intelligent to say?

madd

why do my sisters agrivate me to the point of hurting them? i dont know what else to do when they bother me to that pressure point. i just explode. >_< and my mom does absolutely NOTHING but lecture me afterwards when its too late.

hungry

im hungry kaybye =]

Thinking.

i dont really have that much to think

about

but there are tons of things on my

mind

like how i with she would tell me what he 

thinks

how you mind 

works

what my life might bring

me

why i get annoyed at people so 

easily

why she doesnt tell me whats really bugging 

her

nothing too in-

depth

oooh

i love it. i think it looks fairly real =] i didnt copy and paste at all. i did everything by myself... my sister didnt believe it but i did!
i used this paint/photoshop program and made an ipod from scratch! all on this program... it took me an hour or so...

Blah Blah Blah

im fairly happy now. i feel like going out for a walk but im guessing i cant. oh well.

love.

yet another blog for the day. i just have nothing else to do.

love is such a complicated thing. i wish i had the guts to do anything about the people i think i love.

Books yet again

ok Burned was excellent... if you like books that have a good dose of sadness in them... read it. it was actually happy too. idk check it out. only thing you might not like is the idea of it being written in all poetry... try to focus on what shes saying not the format. its really just a story. its rather clever.

my 3 new reads

• Identical by Ellen Hopkins
• Peeps by Scott Westerfeld
• A Cool Moonlight by Angela Johnson

i think im starting with Peeps.

check ya later.

unintelligent thoughts

ugh. i hate when people think they are so knowledgeable about stuff they have barely done... they think they are top notch experts. and they aren't... that happens to me a lot. i spark something and people take credit from me. its absolutely rude. and i hate it.

party song

kaitlin sent me the best party song... like not something i would just listen to but awesome addicting beat.

http://www.hotlinkfiles.com/files/1391029_z3vqu/Headhunterz - Rock Civilization.mp3

lifting

today i had an experience where i felt hopeful.

i was thinking about falling in love on the bus. obviously i don't have much else to do but think but i really like having that time to completely zone out. anyways... i was thinking about falling in love and how i really haven't. then a ladybug landed on my window... most bugs fly off when the bus starts moving. but the lady bug didn't. it stayed on my window until right before i got off the bus. lady bus are supposed to be lucky so i thought maybe that ladybug picked me... maybe it landed on my window for a reason. whatever. well thats the reason for my theme change. dont call me obsessed i just like ladybugs a lot. haha.

Books

i finished all the Twilight books... and ive made a list of books i plan on reading.

• Burned by Ellen Hopkins
• Impulse by Ellen Hopkins
• Identical by Ellen Hopkins
• Crank by Ellen Hopkins
• Glass by Ellen Hopkins
• Go Ask Alice by Anonymus

All very good books so it seems and mostly by one author. the basis of all the books is drugs, sex, self harm and drinking and teenage lives spiraling out of control. some reason those kind of books are so much more REAL than any Clique book or Gossip Girl book. maybe your loss of control in life isnt to the extent of the characters in these novels but i think we can all share in teen angst and stuff. maybe its just me. at the moment i am reading Burned and it is so addicting and i can totally relate to some of the love stuff. i plan on doing a book review when im done with it. 

thinking

i think entirely too much. ☮ end of story ☮

people bug me.

i hate when people think theyre hot stuff. but in reality they arent. they are just full of themselves and declare themselves cooler than everyone.

take for example:

the Freshman... in the words of nikki ... "they think they're hot shit"... thats exactly what they think... traveling in groups no HERDS of 8 + people they stand in the middle of the hallway and block EVERYONE... srsly no one cares who is going out with who... in fact no one cares about the freshman much. they also talk really loud... especially some in my second period class... i can hear everything they say. another bonus for them is that they have some of the sluttiest kids in the whole district. a few got kicked out from washington becuase of bad behavior. good for them... lets set a record... another girl decides to discuss how guys are giving her free weed.... the guy she was telling this to informed her they are probably just giving it to her so they can get her in bed. well isnt that heart warming? i owuld love to be the parents in that situation but they are probably absent in her life anyways... i bet you she'll be pregnant before sophmore year.

sorry but i just had to get that out. i sound overly bitchy but honestly its really true.

>_<

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yeah exactly

playlist

im listening to stephenie meyer's New Moon Playlist. i really like the music on it even though its like all this kinda sadish music about bella. but its still good.

i need eclipse sooo bad!

today i am so happy i dont think i could be happier. its just a happy day. =D i just felt like smiling all day. ugh its the crazy teenage stuff again! lol.

hmm... i gotta find something productive to do tonight. i have no homework. i did it all during school im so proud of myself.

ART!

i got no sleep last night. i woke up early again but i fell asleep on the couch. 

anyways i went out to the Craft store today and got some nice chalk pastel pencils. it was a package of 48 and they cost 90 dollars but with a coupon i saved like 35 dollars so it was a good deal! im so happy i have my own now. when i draw somethign with them i'll post it.

sleep

im getting tired. i just realized how much i missed talking to someone. i talked to him for 3 hours once. in the middle of the night... well actually it was more like iming. but it still counts. part of my wants to believe he still likes me... but im sure i wasnt quick enough becuase hes with someone else. oh well. but its not oh well. i just wish i knew... that maybe i could have made a move... so i didnt have to 

wait.

its like he lead me on but also that it really was what i thought it was and that she just got in the way. like she just kinda pushed in at the wrong time. she made me less attractive to him. gosh how i would die to be like the vampires... so alluring so attractive so icy cold so perfect. but i wouldnt be a good one since blood makes me queasy.

but love makes me sick too. it makes me so happy and so depressed at the same time. it makes me want to do things and it makes me chicken out of things

why couldnt i be more open about me loving him. yes i really do think i loved him. it was different than anything else before. well different than anything else but one other time which im not going to mention now. if you know me you can ask me. 

i should have told him how i felt about him... why not take the risk of it? why not try and explain to him why... i was so sure he thought the same thing anyway... there was always a 50 / 50 chance. things could have been different and i didnt do a damn thing. why? cuz im too scared.

whats worse is he virtually led me down the path to the girlfriend thing... like he just talked to me less and less frequently... and i had to engage ims.... so i stopped thinking he would keep iming me... but it wasnt always like that... and then i went to his page. and i saw the relationship status and i was devastated. i still am but to a different extent. i wanted to cry and no one but jess understood. like for real understood. she knew where i was coming from.

i felt sad then... but now i feel regretful of what i could have said to make things different... i still havent found any guy who suits me... besides him. and i just want to get over him... i dont want to write logn blog entries and dwell on him... at least i dont have dreams of him anymore. but really i just dont understand why i care. it confuses me. love sucks at the moment.

if you read all the way down here i praise you... you stuck by me. sorry for wasting your time. but i just needed to get that out. it kills me. i want to be over him but i cant for somereason.

<3

books

im so depressed... i have 1 more chapter of New Moon. 

When books end i get so upset. its like its the end of something ive attached my heart to. like edward and bella. i want to live their life.

 i want to face death i want to fall in love with a forbbidden fruit like edward.

 i love authors but they are TOO good. they make me want to live it. 

feel it. 

And when series of books are over i want to cry. because their life with you is over. like no more stories of the characters... sure you can re read them but u are no longer traveling through life with them. 

well i might as well read the last chapter... i might cry but its ok. i love the book too much to wait for it to be over.

playlist

now i need to rip all those songs form my playlist off youtube.

movie.

watching sydney white. love it!

need a laptop

i need a laptop of my own. i can never just use this one all the time. grr. maybe i can save up for a moderately cheap one. my sister is being more than moderately stupid.

btw... the date and time is back to normal

Hungry

i am hungry. but not really for food. more for love. i mean i get it more than i deserve but i want romance love. love you can feel in you that radiates in every fiber of your being. i fear that i'll never have that. sorta love. with time is suppose it will come, at least thats what people say to me. i  might not even be ready for it.

i totally freaked out today. some kid was having a twilight discussion with me and he said do you like jacob and i flipped because just previously i had a crush on some named jacob... so embarrassing. i was like oh the indian jacob. i was confusing myself with james... lame save. but i don't really like either of them. * creepy... previous crush jacob just signed online! * except i do kinda like jacob in new moon. he's just overly nice. i hate people who are tooo nice. i like a little badness.

ive just started my blog and you already know one of my biggest secrets... jeeze my life is pathetic. not exciting at all. if you continue to read anymore of these you are dedicated.

im so awkward. just awkward all around. i really hope i grow out of it.

<3

time to go.

i gotta get off the computer or my eyes are gonna burn out. the stupid time on this blog stopped working so all my posts are out of order... sorry you'll probably have to find this your self.

i want to continue my guitar lessons since my mother made me drop a dance class in order to take them but of course money is a problem and therefore i am stuck playing chords and attempting to read tablature online. well i learned how to play happy birthday. yeah i read tabs. i was serenading myself the other day since it was my birthday.

i want to write something but i dont know what to write. ive have terrrrribbbbllleeee writers block recently its making me tired. i just want to write... is that so hard? no i didnt think so.

im still listening to my playlist and im listenting to...... songbird by oasis. wait its over... whats next.... clarity by john mayer... theres too much clapping... i might need to change the song.... ok... changing.... now bounce by the cab. better.

i just wasted  3 minutes of your life or less or more. im just babbling.

"bounce bounce baby bounce back to me"

i need a boyfriend. gag. or something.

<3

my playlist

Wonderwall -Oasis

Daughters- John Mayer

Fall For You- Seconhand Serenade

So I Thought- Flyleaf

Gravity- John Mayer

Risky Business- The Cab

Everything We Had- The Academy Is...

Nights In White Satin- The Moody Blues

Numb- Linkin Park

There For You- Flyleaf

Songbird- Oasis

Clarity- John Mayer

Bounce- The Cab

Momentum- The Hush Sound

Summer Hair= Forever Young- The Academy Is...

Control- Metro Station

I'll Run- The Cab

What I've Done- Linkin Park

Honey- The Hush Sound

Quiet- John Mayer

Supersonic- Oasis

One Of THOSE Nights- The Cab

Your Body Is A Wonderland- John Mayer

thats my life playlist i guess according to today.

morning

ahhh morning.

read a bunch of New Moon. I dont know why people say its not as good... its actually really good. i mean im still mad at edward but the fact he wants to kill himself now is making feel bad for him becuase he clearly cares. i dont want her to be with Jacob though... hes not the same. but she cant have them both. she can give jacob to me =]]]]]].

aww my dog is curled up cuz shes cold... i'll post a picture later. its sewww cute.

im in a much better mood this morning. a nicce sleep does wonders for me.

<3

thats my dog =]

sick

im feeling sick. i have a bad cough. its deep in my chest. its not frequent but im worried.

one of my friends has mono and bronchitis.  so it could be either... it also could just be a cold. crap i hate being sick... im never sick. im healthy. *scowls*

bored

im probably reaching no one but yeah im bored.

i want some food now.