crazy times at costello music.

Oh yeah, all right
Are you going to be in my dreams
Tonight?
And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love
You make

The End By the Beatles

Short Sweet and to the point. but doesnt it make sense that you would take the same amount of love you take. ahhh love is on my mind. however its so aksjdkajskd confusing. and i dont even know if im ready for it yet. i just want love. and sometimes i want someone to love me. not like friends or family... like a boyfriend. I'm not in love with the title boyfriend, im just a romantic. i probably just dont take enough risks. like if i just got over the fear stage maybe i'd get somewhere. I'm afraid of that though. and its not even that i fear of failure... im just scared in general. skkfljskdjfkj. im just rambling.

my thoughts you cant decode.

crushes suck. end.of.story.

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tommorrow, let it be.

Ahh much better mood. recap of yesterday and today:

so i forgot to do my lab report, so i had to do it last night to get credit. Then the lovely ms. Zaleski and her emotional baggage, decides, hey why dont i just let the kids do the bulk of their DBQs at home. that was the end of my relaxing 2 days before break. so i came home, could not check my facebook or aim, and got straight to work on my lab report. it was 6:30 pm when i finished. i had a massive headache at that point and all i wanted to do was eat shower and sleep. and i did that. forgetting how stressful writing a DBQ is, i left it all to be done today. so i head off to bed at 8:30pm. I was out like a light. suddenly i wake up and its still dark out. i kept tossing and turning, i felt very uncomfortable and just couldnt go back to sleep. so i turn on my TV and roll over to look at my clock.... 2 am. it was unbelievable, of all nights to experience my occasional insomnia.  i figured it would just take a couple of minutes to fall back to sleep... it was 2 hours. TWO HOURS! after flipping channels and watching everything from a TV special about a drag queen, to a body suit that makes you lose 4 inches around your midsection, and animal cops Houston. finally around 4 am i fell asleep. it was like hell i swear. well i woke up fine because i basically had just fallen asleep. i downed a mug of green tea, orange juice, an oatmeal raisin muffin, and a bowl of cereal. i trudged into school, in fairly good spirits, i didnt expect to have to do anything, but then i realized i had to do my DBQ. however english was good, i love that class. then design, another great class, we are going to design t-shirts. so im psyched. then period 3 came, and i had to go to the library to print my lab report and write my DBQ. that period ended and then came geometry, and i actually dont mind that class, i really feel bad for those kids who chose to take honors because i'm breezing through academic. geometry makes much more sense to me. anywho, i attempted to write more during lunch but i get too easily distracted, then i went to history, wrote another paragraph, and she let me hand it in by 12 pm. so i went off to spanish, put the DBQ under my bingo sheet and finished my refuting paragraph. she got pissed that i wouldnt put it away, but i got a bingo anyways, im so good at multitasking in that class, its like a 3rd free period. then bio came, and i scrambled together a conclusion and enjoyed bio. 

basically all day was stressful, but now that im home im in an utterly pleasant mood, just thinking about our 12 days off from school. hum. im relaxed.

spoiled

yeah im such a spoiled bitch.

i hate this.

yeah so i did some bitchin signs, bumperstickers and stickers for my dad's campaign, i also designed 3 fliers for him. He promised to pay me as much as 500 DOLLARS. and guess what. he can't provide an explanation of where it is. and i asked him if he spent it, and he smiled. SERIOUSLY? REALLY? im not finding the humor in taking advantage of your daughter.

and i get stuck in this goddamn house with my stupid sisters and im just about at my exploding point. I NEED TO GET OUT. NOOW. my blood pressure is probably through the roof and im crying and clenching my fists. im so destructive.

hope this is the last time... this conversation's been.... dead on arrival.

i am so happy having a snow day.

my sister turned up the volume on the tv so i turned up my music. HA. i'm such a bitch.

just watched Chuck & Larry... good movie, yeah its perverted and inappropriate, but in the end, there's a good moral.

1. best friends will do anything for you. 

2. it doesn't matter who you love, its that your in love. and people shouldn't judge you for who you love.

The whole gay marriage thing makes me upset. how can people say that they can't get married? who is to say that our whole country has to follow christian beliefs? i mean we are supposed to be the "Melting Pot". We are supposed to be comprised of every sort of people. And we created this country for separation of church and state. how can our government vote to band gay marraige, would that not be a religious thing? shouldn't that be a separate issue? who says christians can rule the government and everyone else's laws. it doesnt make sense to me. maybe i'm missing something key.

And i understand why christians are against it, it says marriage is between a man and a woman. But do you think god would never want change in this world? Do you think he would never change the rules? He's supposedly this all loving god, but some people think he'll send people to hell for being DIFFERENT. so if it said Women couldn't have short hair in the bible, every woman who wanted short hair would go to hell? then im going to hell.

think about those people we're repressing. It seems all to similar to those events in our past. We can let Black people live in our country but we can't let them drink from OUR water fountain. We can make them sit on the BACK of the bus if we want to because we are in the majority. Only now its, We can let homosexuals love each other, but they cant use the term marriage, thats OUR form of partnership. Its like religious people think they OWN the word. 

This is one of the reasons i'm still questioning my beliefs after my confirmation. Its just confusing. I wish people could just see these things. Its not fair. 

Sorry if i offended. That movie just made me think about it. Thats all. Feel free to discuss it with me.

Anyways, im enjoying my snow day. hopefully i can get my haircut this weekend. too bad i cant dye it darker. oh well.

farewell.

Guitar.

I'm working on a couple songs

Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's

Sun Child- The Vines

Possibly...

Wonderwall- Oasis

I Constantly Thank God For Esteban

today was actually pretty good. until i had a revelation about something and it made me feel really sick, because no matter what i do, its just gonna turn out shitty. but i suppose its better to have tried and failed than not have tried at all.

well im in a much better mood now. i enjoy the company of my friends at school. they always make me feel better. i always sound so depressed but im really not. i promise. haha.

nothing else to report.

ta ta for now.

christmas + family = joke.

um. i was good all day. i say one thing. and OH im the freakin bad guy victoria is crowned high princess and of course she makes a scene and King daddy goes and hugs her and cuddles her. typical. and i should be used to it by now. he doesnt really love me. if he does, he does a shitty job of proving it. and when i SERIOUSLY HONESTY tell them how i feel, its a joke. they DONT care. im alone in this house, and they dont want to show me any affection unless im the perfect model child. well in the words of the vines, F.T.W. and all it's ridiculous holiday "spirit". it doesn't mean anything to anyone any more. I dont care what anyone says, even if you go around proclaiming your love for jesus, its not about jesus being born anymore. its about trees, and gifts, and all the commercial garbage they put out. you get sucked into the very merry christmas vortex of malls, and online shopping. On black friday, they TRAMPLED a man to DEATH, because they wanted to buy christmas presents. greedy. oh well. merry christmas to all, maybe my christmas spirit will improve tomorrow, if it does, it'll only last for a little while, until my parents will choose to BLAME me again. its so awesome, i always dreamed of being yelled at my whole life.

now they just laughed at me crying. doesn't that make me feel special.

Sun child You're a sun child Awoken by the spirit of the day Will I wild Speaking so mild

Listening to Sun Child by the Vines.

i am crazy. In fact, ive changed my taste in music in one day. well sorta. i still have slight interest in my fueled by ramen guilty pleasures, but i realized how much i love the indie rock genre. so much more. thank you matthew and george. and emily, in an unintentional way. im sorta babbling.

Nothing to report.

I went to Vermont and had a BLAST. im tired just thinking about it. ask me in person if you must, but there are no words to describe the fun.I'm so confused about love right now. i dont know anything about that kinda stuff. i wish i could just take chances but im a freaking idiot when it comes to being outgoing. 

ahhhh im hearing noises. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk.

goodnight.

Extra PSA Contest

I feel like doing a PSA contest for teen driving, but i have no clue what to do or who will help.

Currently Listening to Arabesque by Debussy

I'm yawning as i write this. I need sleep but i seem to always deprive myself of it.

Today was really boring, nothing exciting happened. It was just like a really BLAH day and almost every teacher was out. We did... nothing. SHOCKER.

I just blow dried my hair. its all soft. but i just looked in the mirror and i NEED another haircut badly. its too long. and its insane for me to be saying that but its below my shoulders already. If i keep chopping hair off at this rate, it might be gone. Anyways im thinking cutting my hair off right below my chin with the usual layers and angles. maybe more dramatic... oh who knows. im just babbling.

[playing: Bella's Lullaby by Carter Burwell]

prepare for some very rambly strange mumblings...

So i feel very stuck, i could talk to this guy before i admitted it to myself. and im feeling like confused. because like, i used to be like so comfortable talking to him and like aksjkdjjdskjaiwue. and i blame it on his friends making it awkward, but that was my lame excuse last time and i just dont know. [I Hate This Song- Secondhand Serenade] its my sick infatuation with guys. and if i dont say i like them, everything is cool, but if i tell my self the deep dark truth, its super awkward. grr. i hate it. im angry at myself. anywho, hes adorable, and we had a very nice aim discussion the other day. he suggested just going around the city and getting into shenanigans. which sounds fun no matter who suggested it. haha. I LOOOVE the city... ugh. my stomach hurts. im probably just stressing my self out over all this + lack of sleep.

goodnight.

decode that if you must but im thinking and hoping maybe its just a phase.