Thanks a heap coyote ugly, this cactus-gram stings worse than your abandoment.

God. I haven't been on here in forever.
School is finally coming to a close. three more exams left, then I'm free. Thats the good part. But I really don't want to be a junior. I was very content this year, despite any guy drama, everything was leveling out. I was finally getting happy and everything. And now I feel like moving on could change the flat ground im standing on now. And sometimes, everything changes over the summer. things won't be content. ugh. whatever. I can't do anything about it anyways.
Hopefully I can plan a trip to Doylestown, PA this summer to visit my dear Kaitlin. I miss her so much. It would be so awesome to spend a couple days there.
Other than that, I'm doing virtually nothing. Probably reading. Right now I've got three books on my list...

1. Carrie|Stephen King
2. A Book of Robert Frost's Poetry
3. Wisdom of Confucius

So far that what I've got.
Well now I am off to do... nothing. so long.

get tangled up in me.

ironic title. that song makes me afraid of things to come. I'm terrified that song means something.
i'm also terrified about something else. It would be a totally backstabbing move and i don't think i could let myself do it. But i'm not sure i have the choice. I'm stuck.
Things are weird. I'm tired beyond comprehension. I have to tell my mom i'm staying after school tomorrow. I'm wating for nightmares about creepy men tap tap tapping at my windows. I've got terrible chest pains.
im going back to feeling pathetic and reading blogsecrets.

gentle leaves, gentle leaves, please array a path for me...

...The wood's all growing thick and fast around.

i think i torture myself. there is nothing i want more than to be someone im not.

:\

lasjdksdieprlvmvhdaifslkdfl.

my family is driving me crazy. mostly my sister. shes like becoming very hormonal. and shes been harassing me and my sister incessantly. i don't even understand it. recently i cant stand this house. whatever. *sigh*

are you afraid of me?

reading frankenstein?
not gonna happen. sigh. im going to fail the quiz tommorrow. hopefully sparknotes will pull through.

I went to a yoga class today with GS and i really enjoyed it. You just get so relaxed, and you don't think about anything but relaxing your body. I think I might try to do it more often. It was really nice. And its a good stretch for me.

Things have been kinda borning recently. I've been in a vicious bad mood, but its all like built up. I can tell. Its happened before. So its not anything I can fix now. I just have to work through all this bad crap I'm subconciously dealing with. Maybe if I do yoga or meditation I can just relax and let it all go.

Sigh. And my Zune isnt charged... so no music before bed. I'll have to pull out a cd or something.

its a bittersweet symphony.

im thinking about doing some sort of big art project. just something big. like a series of paintings. or sketches.

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you

had a fabulous time at the concert last night, my first concert. it was quite small, and we actually got to talk to the guys in the band, they were very nice and funny... and hot, might i add. they played very well. I even bought one of their EPs. and emily can burn me the other two bands EPs. hehe.

speaking of music... listen to Backseat Goodbye... if you like him hes giving out his whole album for free + his new single at freecd.backseatgoodbye.com. no gimicks or attachments. he just wants to spread his music around for all who enjoy it. i think thats so amazing, to just give music out for all to enjoy.

Pondered things all day. It was just a thinking day today. I did nothing but think.

I should really be sleeping. sigh. i just have things on my mind, nothing particularly specific, just generalities.

listen to Landon Pigg. hes really great, you've probably heard Coffee Shop on the AT&T commercial.

We could be laughing lovers , I think you'd prefer to be miserable instead.

You know when you just want to sleep so you can get away from it all? Like some people resort to drugs or alcohol... well I'm beginning to think sleep has become my escape. I come home, and even when I'm not tired i hide under a blanket and curl up and fall asleep. My dreams have become the only sane thing... and my dreams aren't sane. believe me. 

I can't pinpoint my emotions. I feel about 70 emotions and i don't know why, or for what. some would peg that as being a teenager, or pms or something... but its not.

I need the weekend. And i need my friends.

I'm also freaking out because we have 30 days of school left. I can't handle knowing im going to be a junior. and that i have to grow up. i wish i could slow time. i wish i could re-do everything just to prolong this dreaded process. most people are excited for school to end... i dread it. it means im that much closer to getting older, to growing up, to moving on, to leaving friends, to responsibility, to going into the cruel world.

sigh. im going to listen to some Franz Ferdinand now.

. . .

Life isnt fair. And I'm coming to terms with that.

And its even more unfair that you have to watch other people find out too.

imagine all the people, living for today.

took a mental health day today. i was feeling extremely exhausted and i was thinking about things and i was tired of it all. And yesterday I felt like a spiteful bitch, i did things i regret terribly. and whatever. today was like meditation. i just need to forget everything in the past. its all done with, and i can't change it. So i need to live for today. live for whats coming my way. make the best with what happened. I need to stop regretting, and hating for things i cannot change, its making me so angry and spiteful. im not like that. *takes deep breath* im releasing everything. placing everything on a shelf. i dont need to think about everything everyday, it doesnt make it go away faster. its making it worse.

Listen to the Masterplan by Oasis... it defines this blog.

How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?

So yesterday, my dog was apparently let out of the house to go to the bathroom, and she walked away. and she wasnt found last night. but it didnt hit me until last night when it got dark and i came home to a dog-free house. god. i feel so guilty. i think i was the one to let her out. shes never ever wandered... so we never had to watch her... so i must have just let her out when i got home, out of habit. and im not like crying or anything. I'm just sitting here, with a vacant expression on my face. and the whole family is kinda sullen. :[ notheless i was so pumped for today, and now im feeling a little off. I guess if anyone lives near me, keep your eye out....

wait! animal control JUST called! i think they have her?! YAY!!!

I’m coming back for more Don’t let your heart go Please don’t walk away.

Today was the slowest moving day of my life. by 6th period i wanted to go home. I guess i have a little spring fever. 

Tonight is battle of the bands. Should be fun! I'm going with em and george. and other people are going too.

TOMORROW IS THE RESCUE! I'm soooo excited.

"Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it"

Princess Bride. Good book. I highly recommend it. I fell in love with Westley. Hes perfect.

So I can go to The Rescue event on saturday. I'm very excited. It should be a very rewarding experience.

Other than that, I'm simply exhausted. Emotionally, Physically, Psychologically... any way you can think of. I've lately come home, and even when I don't physically feel tired, I want to sleep, just to get away from everything. I need this weekend badly. Thank god tommorrow is friday!

I was told to listen to the song Change Your Mind by the Killers; It really does have a great message. You want someone to love you back... and they can't. And you just can't accept that. You need them to reconsider, change their mind. "So if the answer is no Can I change your mind?"

I missed 11:11 by like 3 minutes. Shoot.

All the lyrics that I wrote not as smart as the words you spoke

ok. so that was a terribly vague post last night.

i had finally gotten over the fact that there were barriers... that there were lines i couldn't cross, i was adapting to that. i was finding other ways to talk, finding ways to get over everything. and then in one night, he has melted those barriers. Do guy friends call their girl friends adorable? like over and over and over. ok, maybe sometimes, but this was weird. it was like he was repeating it for effect. and then he tells me that the whole "him finding out i like him" thing was ridiculous. and he said " It WAS ridiculous because all I said was that i knew." WHAT THE HELL? seriously. what does that mean? he made it pretty clear to emily, me, and even sonia, that he was sorry it had to be this way. ugh. and now he's like clearing his reputation. i didn't question him about it... but i plan on doing it. i am NOT going to let him play with my emotions. its not fair. he is really good at manipulating me. we joke about it too. joke about his charm and how i can't help but tell him things. and i do not want to be used. maybe its not intentional. maybe it is. i don't even know. and then he rambles on and on about me just saying things to elicit a response out of him. and then he said he was doing that to me... but he wouldn't explain it all to me. god its not fair. why did i like someone so fucking complicated?boys are supposed to be a little stupid and kinda oblivious.

so confused.

playing with my emotions i swear, whether intentional or not... he is.

jesus stole my baby.

*sigh* i am not looking forward to easter. i feel obligated to believe in something, im not sure i do believe in. i don't even know what i am. and i can't get into the mood. i get the whole meaning of easter, i just don't know. im blindly trying to find something i can put my whole heart into. i feel corrupted. like all my childhood, i was obligated to believe what my parents and everyone else believed, having no say in the matter, and i even grew up through my early teen years thinking that i should believe it cause its just what i believe, but i don't know anymore.

I wish i was still as sick as i was yesterday so i could have an excuse to stay home.

I'm sorry :[ im being really bah humbugish. excuse me.

feeling oh so icky and sicky.

it is 6 04 am. yes am... in the morning. im sick. definitely not allergies. i couldnt sleep at all last night. and im brutally exhausted. why me?

im gonna go see if i can get comfortable enough to catch like a couple of minutes of sleep while its still somewhat dark.

I'm gonna speak my mind take me up to the top of the world

New Philosophy: Nothing changed. At All.

Successful: Yes

Current Mood: Better than I've been in the past two weeks. 

Evaluation: Yes I felt like making this all weird for you to read. Anyways, I love my philosophies, they seem to work. I make a revelation about emotion, and how to handle it, and it always helps if I stick with this new idea. So I decided that since getting over him has proven painful and difficult to do, that I have *every* right to still like him. 

1. He is not in a relationship. 

2. There is still a chance (I don't mean to sound hopeful, but there is) 

3. He told me nothing had to change. 

4. He doesn't seem to mind that I still flirt. 

So those are my reasons. Weirdly, I feel like i did before two weeks ago. . . Its a little eerie. Like extreme déjà vu. I'm not regretting anything like I have been for two weeks. And all the memories of things went back to having meaning again. Like everything at Emily's party meant something, I know it. Maybe not the exact same meaning, but *something*. I have theories. Maybe it's stupid and incredibly naive to let myself fall into this trap. Perhaps I should have learned my lesson. Is this just my brain making up false hope to cope? God I hope not. Maybe I'm setting myself up to get shot down, but I'm ready for that bullet. Seriously. A little masochistic. But I don't think I can get hurt much more than I was, and now I feel like I am past it. I think I'm going to make a Pros and Cons list. Pros to sticking with this crush, and the Cons. I'll get back to you with it. But I am pretty sure this will work for me. Its been successful for the past two days. . . cross your fingers for me.

I've got troubled thoughts, and a self esteem to match.

I don't even know. for the past two weeks ive just been completely listless. like i just can't find motivation. and i know everyone has told me "it'll take time" however, im not so convinced, im not the one to dwell on the little things, not to stop going when things get rough, so taking a two week break from that atitude is throwing me way out of whack. and my self esteem is gone. i've been so self critical and i can't find anything good about myself recently. i can't organize my thoughts or filter everything out anymore. and to put it nicely, i feel like shit. im bottling everything up. im going to explode. i can feel it. unless we go to the concert. and i think everything is counting on this concert. i can feel it. i just need normalcy, a sense that everything is still okay. even if not the concert, a movie or hanging out or something. whether i can attain his love or not, he makes me so happy. he just smiles at me and i cant help it. its like a drug. sounds really sick, and cheesy. i know. but there isnt another way to describe it.

these lyrics cause a painful yet adorably melting sensation in my heart.

Well you done done me in you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but youre so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.
I won't hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait. I'm yours.
Open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's our god-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved
I won't hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait. I'm sure.
There's no need to complicate. Our time is short
This is our fate. I'm yours

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz


I basically had it stuck in my head all day and it wasnt pleasant, but strangely was. Ya know? Bittersweet memories.

Because the sky is blue it makes me cry.

Well I'm confused beyond your wildest imagination. 

1. I like him, just as much as before, but instead of worrying how much i flirt because i don't want to come off too strong, now i worry because i don't want to flirt and have him think i'm still flirting even though he's not into me.

2. I hate him. I think when he told me he didn't like me that way, it was just a good opportunity for him to forget me and throw himself completely and totally into his "original goal". Eugene needs to discuss Ambition in the Humanities class. "Tunnel Vision."

3. Everything is absolutely fine. I can handle the just friends thing. I feel free almost. I'm not wasting my time anymore, not thinking about everything i do. Conversations lack the minimal awkwardness they had before.

4. I want him to know how i'm feeling in a face to face conversation. I don't think he is believing that i am in a very similar situation as himself, or he thinks hes in much more pain than me. b. u. l. l. s. h. i. t.

Yeah. Its been almost a week. I *should* be over it. And you all are probably sick of talking to me about it. I'm sick of it too, but Its not over. I think I'm just trying to convince myself that when he said maybe... it meant there is a chance. But my friends don't even say that. I need to just let go of him. But i can't its hard.

sigh. emotionally unstable is the perfect word for my condition.

hmmm.

things are weird. i dont know how to feel.

Colour me your colour, darling

Franz Ferdinand <3

hmm... I was just thinking about how insecure i am all the time. I've got low self-esteem. And i desperately want to change that. I want to be able to say nice things about myself. But I can't. *sigh*

My newest thing is thinking Positvely. I am no longer looking at the negative of anything. Take my crush... not going to think how everything is wrong, im going to look at all the good things I have, and all the good parts of the situation. like the fact we have a lot in common, we are already friends, he lives nearby etc. Instead of being like oh he didn't im me, or he thinks i dont like him. Idk. Its been working for me recently. And last night i did a little meditating. it really worked. I'm gonna try and keep this up.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

I fell asleep to AFI... thats quite a feat i tell you. I slept all afternoon in my grandma's cold sun room. I just crashed. I think I slept through 3 rounds of December Underground... *figures out the math*... im too lazy to do it, but its quite a while.

must go walk with my sisters and the dog.

adios.

eyes the size of baby worlds.

today was interesting.

i plan on joining invisible children.

i refuse to eat a sandwich like todays. 

i am not speaking to my dad.

not going to dance.

maybe i am. 

i hate guilt.

i want to punch someone again.

but im also happy.

im considering some sort of mood disorder.

me and shelja looked up stuff for europe.

he talked.

he gave me the finger twice.

i gave him the finger.

he managed to creep behind me.

i need music.

yes. thats all.

just one of THOSE nights

i just want to be ignored and left alone by my parents and sisters, and unsuccessful in doing so.

"You are too anti-establishment"

yes. my mother told me that today. i laughed. its very true. "An anti-establishment view or belief is one which stands in opposition to the conventional social, political, and economic principles of a society." thats me. the weird one. the unconventional, random one. the "defined personality". The art freak. Eh whatever. it makes me, me.

My mom just slammed my guitar against the wall. Shes tired, and celebrated too much for a heritage she isnt. I hope there is a dent, my guitar is too perfect. And then i can tell her I told her so.

I need plans. and i really don't want to sell cookies tommorrow. i just want to crawl into a hole until people realise things arent right in my head.

i want the ideal life. White pickett fence, two children, a dog, a husband. I want to hold hands with him when I'm too old to do anything due to my arthritis. I want to sit on the front porch of our ranch in little rocking chairs and watch the sunsets together. I want a highschool sweetheart. I want us to fight, but always make up and truely truely love each other. I want all that ridiculous love. the cliched life.

It won't happen for me. Its too much.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

great poem. I love it. I want to go to college and basically live in a coffee shop with all the artsy people and discuss literature and whatnot. :]

I have nothing else to do so I thought I would blog a bit. I've gotten bad about that recently. I guess I just couldnt say anything I wanted to say here either.

I stayed up late last night having a lovely conversation with my girls last night, allison and nikki. God, I needed one of our chatrooms. Love is a stubborn thing. I need multiple rounds of reassurance before I believe something. Which is stupid, but im fairly sure I'm not the only one. I need a good kick before I'll do something. Whatever. I ended up staying up talking until 12 30 pm. Too late for me. And by the time I fell asleep it was 1 am. I woke up at 4 am to my Zune playing You're Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer... which was the song I fell asleep to... So my playlist was looping for 3 hours while I slept. Oh well.

This morning I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was weird.

I think my grandma and aunt are coming over today. I don't mind, but i just want to be alone. You know when you want to be alone, and you dont want anyone to bother you in your deep thoughts? yeah, my mother frequently bothers me when I'm like that, and i have to clench my fists from breaking into an outburst. I'm not ever allowed to want to be alone in this house. Maybe I'll go outside and sit in the grass, listen to music, and sketch.

Come on Bring it...

so yeah things are way more complicated. but not all in the same way. i told george about him, and got the response "oh yeah i already knew that" obviously he could tell i liked him. he never struck me as observant. people certainly shock you. in fact i feel a lot better. i mean im still frustrated, but i got a nice confidence boost. and its nice not to have to hold everything in. Although i didnt get any positive hints, except that he thinks we would be good together. and that he doesnt think that he knows i like him. just interesting to see his response. at least i know im not weird, just unique.

i managed to IM him, and the conversation lasted like 2 seconds... very bummed out. oh well. i should be used to it. lets just hope things havent decided to get awkward yet.

off to bed. i have very mixed feelings right now... one: what do i do next? two: does he know? and does he mind? I'm going to inevitably be up all night thinking. I must pull out my Zune tonight. Or maybe I'll do a princess diaries marathon.... just stay up late watching it.... i think i'll do that. its friday and i have nothing else to do.

reactions.

i was certainly shocked that a boy was observant enough to see. hmm... fascinating.

Take a chance, take your shoes off, dance in the rain.

so maybe i'll get my chance to go to england. with girl scouts in 2011. hey plenty of time to raise the money.

granola bars, obscure tribal music, and reading.

Thats what my day consisted of. Oh yeah, and silence. It was fabulously incredible. I did nothing but.
Lately im sick of Girl Scouts. We don't do anything anymore, and we have two leaders who don't like each other. One who can be a nag, downer, and dictator... but fantastically organized. The other is too chill, doesnt get involved, and tries too hard... but seems to appeal to the majority of my troop. They don't mix. and I missed a meeting because i don't keep a calendar, and i dont check my email frequently. But i had more fun being alone, in the house, all day. reading and eating a granola bar.
So I was listening to obscure british indie rock, and wierd pop/thrashing metal. And a little bit of random sound avant-garde. Thank you Owen Armstrong and other inspiring people.
And im dying for school on monday.
Clearly insanity.

Will i grow wild, speaking so mild, forgot about the engine in the rain.

so yeah i dont remember what i was going to type. hehehe. sorry for wasting your time.

father time

Days go slowly by

But time never seems to stop

to say goodbye.

I'm missing out

On all that i could achieve

Because im scared; 

In myself, I can't believe.

I'm moving on

So here's to the few

Childhood memories

Before I bid them adieu.

Sing your father's bedtime song

The song that helps you sleep

You can't sing it very long

Its not fair, I agree, blame time

Father time, keeper of the pendulum

The clock of your life has begun to chime.

just little poem-ish things. ive gotten myself into writing poems again. i used to a lot. im not very good but i like it.

omg.

i sent it. he liked it. im scared out of my mind. but i feel better.

love is old, love is new

my family is driving me nuts. i really just want to be alone. i plan on going to bed after this post. i already feel depressed enough. i really can't explain myself. i just feel like everything and everyone is intensified. like i cant handle things because i already have these things on my mind. and i want people to be there, but i want to be alone... i should consider therapy. ive probably got a sick mind.

Have faith in what you've got and it will carry us all, carry us all.

clearly too obvious i like him. and i feel like i can't say anything to anyone because i drown in my own words, and i can't stop talking about him. Some people probably don't mind, others probably do. I wish i wasnt a hopeless romantic. it would make things so much easier. And no one even gets how far i've fallen. and no one reads what we say, so they dont know. And even if i tried, i wouldnt be able to say it in a comprehensible manner. recently "akjskdjaksd" (or any arrangement of random letters) is my new word. because i cant get out what i WANT to say. And erg. I have people who listen to me. But i just wish i could tell other people. but i really cant.
Its becoming not fair.

clearly no title tonight

a poem by me:

How fair of you to bid me goodnight
Now its my turn to wish you to sleep tight
Let yourself travel to places you cannot stay
Let your dreams take you far away
To a world of simplest pleasures
Love and comfort without measure
So lay your head down to sleep
until the morning comes, my sweet.

if only i could send it.

goodnight.

"then sleep well, fair maiden of the morn, and upon the bedside waking, will be robins and finches, their red crests shorn, and rye bread for the taking let the moonlight caress the softness of your cheek, while the trees whisper the words lovers are oft to speak so goodnight, rest well, and while the morntime waits, dream of the land of the lost, that forbidden place, and do not awaken until you have sipped your fill of moondew rest and goodnight, o' child of the moonlight's beauty"


<3

is this how just friends say goodnight to each other?

And who knows why The love you need'll always pass you by? And I heard its true your love is gonna grow So let me know

i really appreciate my friends being honest with me about things. it makes me feel really trusting in them. and i may have been a little bummed out, but telling me was the right things to do.


cheesey. but i love them.

But now is not the time to cry Nows the time to find out why I think youre the same as me

i simply live by a couple songs i listen to. They'll never get old. I can listen to them over and over and over. My top 4:

1. Wonderwall by Oasis: This song describes my need to be loved. I want to depend on someone. I want someone to be the one that saves me.

2. Whistle For The Choir by the Fratellis: This song tells the complete truth. The want and need for someone, but not knowing how to say it besides being bold and just saying it. I'm not sure there is another way.

3. Hey There Delilah by The Plain White Ts: Simple song, about loving someone no matter what. That person is the one, the only shining star in the dark of night.

4. Live Forever by Oasis: The similarities between people and the want to figure them out, if your supposed to be together, and if you don't face rejection you'll never know what your missing.

anti valentines day...

im not one for this holiday. its all about gifts now, and how you have to show love by giving out gifts. thats dumb. my family was telling me how stupid i was for saying that, but they had not evidence to say i was wrong. all they could say was that they werent going to get me something next year. oh well.

i like the original idea of valentines day though, to remind you of your love for people, boyfriend, girlfriend, family, friends, or anyone else. but once again retail has corrupted everyone.

so in honor of single awareness day im wearing a pink-ish shirt, and a heart necklace.

I couldnt sleep at all the past 3 days. i keep waking up at 1, or 2 in the morning, and cant sleep, then when i finally do, i wake up at 7 am at the break of dawn. its exhausting me. i need a good full night of REM sleep before school again. otherwise im going to shut down very soon.

i mean thats all have to complain about. I had a blast last night with friends.

dont see Taken. really not worth the money hahahaha. emily knows haha.

Bite Hard.

I'm dying. I woke up at 7 30. i was tossing turning all morning. i feel sleep deprived. i have too much on my mind.

hey flathead... doo do do doo do do doo do do do do do do.

yes two songs. anywho.

went to coraline. good movie, however we came to the conclusion that it should be rated PG-10... due to dark themes, and racy-ness. But had an overall childish theme.

thats all i have to report.

love sucks.

it really does, especially when your reminded everyday that your missing out on that one opportunity to share your love.

She is Electric... Could i be electric too?

ugh. things are just ugh.

I mean things are good, but not.

you tell me what this means.

im clueless.

so indie. oh so indie. you strike me as indie.

This is gonna be a series of individual thoughts because i cant mesh any of my thoughts into one organized blog.
watching the Grammys. Paul McCartney was the highlight of the show. and I have to admit, Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers sounded phenomenal in my opinion. Coldplay is good, but total nominee hogs.
So I got a new camera. Its so awesome. Its my baby, its become one of my prized possesions, along with my Zune, Sketchbook, and Books.
Other than that my life has been boring. I wrote this blog to have interesting things happen but so far... nothing.
I need to get two cds, Tragic Kingdom -No Doubt, and Tonight- Franz Ferdinand. I need to stop being a music mooch.
Go see the Uninvited. Its so good. I'm not one for scary movies. Another movie to watch if you havent seen it yet, I Am Legend. Goood Movie.
My cell phone woke me up at 7 am this morning, and i couldnt fall back asleep, it was one time i was not saying "'Mon the Fratellis."
For once im not really looking forward to school tommorrow, i feel like something just isnt right. I'm in a mood.
BAHAHA SAMUEL L JACKSON CAME ON THE GRAMMYS.
ok im done.

mixed emotions.

im all emotions today. sad, mad, happy, excited, and confused. all at the same time.
ok lets start off with the happy part. I'm doing really well in my classes. this would make some people happy but im more elated. i never used to get As. Especially in math and science. But this year has been so great so far. I mean I started off shaky, but i got an 83 on my spanish midterm. thats really good. and an 88 on my bio midterm, which will bring up my B+ semester grade to an A-. The only class really hard, is History. but its just a hard subject for me.
Ok, excited. I have great new classes (except history). My gym class now has the majority of my friends plus other people i like. Second, I have digital Photo, which looks like its gonna actually be really fun, and i have Sheeran again which is a plus. Lunch worked out good because Steph got to stay with me nikki and lauren.
Now for the downer.
Ok. mad and i suppose sad. because I can't understand all the issues going on. And I just wish people could be happy. And thats so unreasonable because i've had my share of problems. But I hate being the friend who is straddling the line, trying to reason with everyone. And i WANT to listen to people. I like listening. And i dont play sides. What someone says to me stays secret, i never do that. But its so hard to explain to people what i see, because im not involved but i get a different perspective. I don't want to get involved but i want to help. and its confusing.
OK sorry for all that. i needed to get it out. I hate bragging about grades but im finally confident, and i hate talking about friend problems but i just want things to end up ok.
yeah im probably really annoying. adios.

Winning Days

i just got over the WORST headache ive ever endured. it was terribly painful. i wanted to cry. im worried that it was something other than just a headache. but the medicine worked. so im content for now. and i just got a lollipop :]

i dont see what anyone sees in anyone else but you

yeah so midterms are over. and i am so pleased. and i survived without really dying of stress or anything. yeah. and then everyone in my bio class was discussing gynocologists, and how male gynos must be perverts, and i dreadfully wanted to tell them to grow up. not all men are that disturbed, however a good percentage are. and then my cool attitude came into conversation. apparently im just reserved or something. i guess maybe thats true. whatever. well after i waited with noelle outside for the bus for like 29849 hours. and we laughed at jackson's blue hair. then i talked with the estrellas and matt. the estrellas asked me to see if i could ride their bus to my house... yeah it was rather awkward asking... she said no, inevitable. even though she passes my house EVERYDAY. anywho, then i waited a good 15 minutes more for my bus. yeah. and i have far too much energy.

I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now theres no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms.

Nothing too exciting to discuss. I got my haircut, which was exciting, but really only for me.
Nothing too intellectual to talk about either.
Nothing too romantic either. Besides possibly someone might be in one of my classes.

So basically thats what you get to hear about from me. So you can go back to what your doing, and i can go back to listening to Hellogoodbye to drown out this Football Nonsense. The game hasnt started yet. I'll just grab food, a DVD, and hibernate in my room for the night.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. . . *plink* my computer shuts off.

ugh. lately my computer has been overheating, and just shutting off when im on it. and its really frustrating. my parents dont really get it either. its going to cost much more to fix the damn fan, than to just buy a new laptop. and it doesnt affect father, because he has a nice BRAND NEW HP laptop from work, and my mom has an older, yet completely functional laptop. I'm going to die when it doesnt work at all. im not exaggerating. 

I'm considering saving up for one of those small netbooks for myself... my only concern is lack of CD/DVD drive. My real want is a Macbook. but with the prices, thats never gonna happen. oh well. maybe when i can earn some substantial money next summer.

i guess thats all i felt like blogging about now... i have a feeling i cant be on much longer or this pice of junk is gonna shut off

adios.

And I'm lost here among the clowns Jesus men in gowns All sandals and out of tune guitars And she talks in terrified tones Of skeleton bones Screaming

...through a mangled microphone. the title would not fit. The fratellis make me die. i love that song.
religion has been a really tough thing for me the past two years, i got confirmed and accepted everything church sent my way. i believed everything. but then something happened, idk a conversation or something sparked this questioning in me. i find myself questioning my religion. if i really believe in a invisible man watching us. its like santa claus... great and fun to believe in until you really think about it. i was talkign to a friend who lives in pennsylvania. shes and i been through rough times. but i still talk to her. we are so similar. we have the same mind set, but were different, anyways we just had this discussion about god. shes atheist, she doesnt just come out and say it ut she thinks religion is garbage and stuff. but we got talking about how it just seems like it all seems too good to be true. This holy book, the bible, wasnt written by god, but a couple men, thousands of years ago. what if they made it all up? and creation. that just happened in 7 days, god created the birds the fish animals trees etc. So what? Did the scientists plant some fake dinosaur bones and cavemen bones in the ground? Some conspiracy. And all the evolution theories... were they just made up too? do you catch what im saying? it all doesnt fit. i want to believe in something but christianity seems far fetched. does this make me agnostic/atheist? i dont even know. part of me cant flat out say im atheist. i still feel myself hanging on my a string. i need something, but not this. not a god who damns people to hell. innocent people for that matter. not a god who makes a mockery out of science. not a god who corrupts people into being perfect little people. not a lying god, who promises forgiveness, but makes you plead for mercy. no not the god for me. i need to find a higher entity who i can truely believe in. someone who wont make me feel so obligated to follow all these ancient rules. i really hope this doesnt offend people. this is the only place i can totally get this out. i need that. so PLEASE dont judge me or anything. im not judging other people for anything either. :\ im just confused.

♥ Is out of line if i was to be bold and say would you be mine?♥

Today was fun, i cleaned my room and invited people over to "study" and only emily could come. but we had a blast. we went on facebook, and watched youtube videos hahaha :D

now im exhausted and im watching SNL.

again i really feel like i have something to say, but of course its not there. oh well maybe tomorrow. 

Love Ya Guys :]

Erase myself, and let go of what ive done.

ive truely hit exhaustion.
ive been thinking too much for the past few weeks, i think and think and re-think things over and over until it starts to hurt me. so i arrived home, attempted to play Wii Sports, but was too lazy to, and then grabbed New Moon, my hoodie, my fleece, and a spot by the heat vent, and read... for hours actually. i didn't even hear my mom come in; i was engrossed. and as sick as this sounds, i felt very involved in the story. Reality floated away for a while, and i thought about someone else's life instead of mine. its really refreshing to get out of my world, just to sink into something totally made up and fake, but so real and desirable at the same time. i just awoke from my trance and i feel absolutely lifeless. Sad thing is... i have nothing to feel lifeless about. People i know have far more problems than me. Maybe i'm just seeking some sort of attention, although im not much of an attention whore. Perhaps i have some defect where i feel like i'm falling apart over nothing. I'm pretty sure thats probably insanity. Bring on the padded cell i suppose. Now I'm attempting to stay awake however its gonna be rough. I can't risk sleeping now and then being up all night, however sometimes thats fun because i don't have to be around anyone. emo. that was so emo. But as much as i love being somewhat social with friends, ive got my anti social side too. probably the side no one sees becuase, im social with people. the only ones who might possibly notice are my parents, but they arent the most observant people. But im not complaining, me and my parents have been on good terms for a while now, i havent had huge fight in a while. *knocks on wood* and they are content because ive finally doing good in school and feeling motivated. whatever, not one of you really honestly wants to hear about that hahaha. i'm off to im people and most likey annoy them. ta ta for now.

today's midterms.

im not sure why i worried about my spanish or my history midterms today. they were so easy.

Track 14 Unknown Artist. yeah i dont know what the song is called.

hum. ps. if you started reading my blogs just know that the titles almost never have anything to do with the actual content.

history is going to kill me. and before it kills me, im going to strangle ms. zaleski, aka the worst teacher ever (besides for holskin). she gave us a 150 question study guide TODAY for our multiple choice midterm TOMORROW. im a failure at history so this is going to most definitely be my WORST midterm. if i fail, i'll probs fail the class, im not joking. its super important. and i got stuck with her again, but she wont be the teacher cause she got herself fucking pregnant when her husband is deathly ill. i felt bad for her before, but i really don't anymore because she has put me at a disadvantage. 

geometry will be a piece of cake. English. . . ehhh i'll do decent. Science, yet another piece of cake. Design easy. Spanish. . . probably ok since i took basically the same thing last year. the benefits of academic classes are great, but i hate taking some classes because i dont get ANY challenge. 

which brings me to english class next year, im not sure what im gonna do there. i'm thinking i'll ask him what class provides the most creativity because thats what im interested in. some people are telling me humanities might be good but im just afraid that it would be too demanding. but they definitely get to be more creative. i just hope mr. newell will help me out.

everything else is good. as soon as midterms over i'll be in a pleasant mood. 

the mice are still in the walls... so much for the rat poison.

Do you think that you would love me until tomorrow if you could?

hum. well today was interesting. i was in a good mood this morning, i must of had a good dose of sleep. well needed sleep. as much as i hate work and tests, school entertains me. i like school. as you might of noticed im a dork. Anyways, I was pleased to find out in english that we did not have to study for our midterm. its the last thing i need from that class. i sincerely thank eugene. design was ok. i just tried to finish my t-shirt design. then i said hi to emily in the hallway and. . . somebody. . . was behind me and he said something and i freaked out. hahaha. it scared me. i get scared far too easily, megan will be facing me and poke my side and i'll FREAK out. i probably look like a loser. hahaha. anyways, jess and emily are like "omg you guys are so cute" and im so not confident. so yeah. and if i believe that myself im gonna get too into this stupid crushish thing, and i dont even think he likes me, so its always like aksjkdjkd. As the day progressed i was still in my pleasant mood and rather interested in catching glimpses of the inauguration. i may have been anti-obama, but nonetheless its history. and maybe he will prove me wrong and do something for this country. oh well. i must be off to go im people and do absolutely nothing. Ta Ta For Now!

so many lies swirling steals your breath you're suffocating.

I'm having trouble coming up with one complete thought so i'm just gonna list things that come to mind.

i had a blast at steph's. i love hanging out with friends.

I'm so tired. I just watched Jumper. I love that movie, and not just cause Samuel Leroy Jackson is in that movie. hahaha.

I broke my art stool. I was kneeling, drawing, and then crash. the seat split in two, and i cut and scratched my foot. I'm coordinated.

I drew a picture of a geisha with chalk pastels.

Emily knows now about someone. and shes gonna tease me ;D i know you wont. haha. and if you do its ok. haha.

im exhausted.

i am running out of things to say.

lasjkdjkj and i feel like  i have something to say. eh whatever.

goodnight.

bluetooth, connecting to my phone

im attempting to set up my bluetooth so i can get my photos off my phone and on to the computer.... im hoping it'll work.

and you'll go to sleep, couting your blessings.

im dying of a headache. im so tired. im just gonna fake some Antigone journal if i can. crawl into the sweet escape of my blankets and sleep. i want to go into a nice deep REM sleep. sometimes sleep is my easy escape. so are books. i just spent 3 hours reading. i gotten myself into this wierd reading phase where i need books to survive. haha. and music recently has been my inspiration for anything. my art is my passion but i lack ideas when i need them. ahh im babbling again.

so yeah, i really want to im someone however it kinda freaks me out to. agh. jess i need to take your advice, it takes time. haha.

ahh im getting really dizzy. im gonna go take some motrin, then shower, then bed.

Vince the Loveable Stoner.

um yeah. i was in a terrific mood this morning. and for reasons not specified here, my heart skipped about 7 beats. i found my heart in my throat like 3 times. it made me incredibly happy all day. then i realized how STUPID i am. and i got like aksjjd and my stomach ached. and im exhausted. i should just give up on this whole crush nonsense. ack.

well on the upside. school has been bearable. i started Antigone and i actually get it. its probably just cause i like the old stuff. its a little confusing, but i just have to read slowly. 

now im off to read some more and listen to my new Fratellis CD.

ta ta for now!

Welcome to the Hotel California, Such a Lovely Place, Such a Lovely Place.

i was supposed to have my free watercolor class today. but it got cancelled because of the snow. :[ i live for those things since we cant afford to have me take art lessons, and i really dont want to quit dance. next weekend.

i started reading The River by Gary Paulsen, good book. although i should have read Hatchet first. Its fairly short and easy. its good though. read it.

im tired.

i did nothing today.

While first round of Facebook photos upload...

hum today was rather pleasant.

i got to school. was listening to the Fratellis and Franz Ferdinand on the bus, i must thank Matt for introducing me to the bands. and George. Good music. anyways, i got into school, idk i just felt happy. i suppose it was friday rubbing off on me. it didnt even really feel like friday. English was good. im rather interested in reading Antigone. i just think its a change of pace. plus i have a thing for greek mythology. my nerdy side coming out. design was good. i accidentally pulled out the power cord for 3 computers with my foot, twice. it was TOTALLY on accident. and i felt bad, but no one was doing real legit work. then i had gym. we are playing pickleball or whatever the hell it is, but its actually fairly simple and easy for me.  i am usually challenged at serving in sports but i had a mean serve. then geometry, never really so atrocious. lunch was fun. i drew pictures of people and they were so ridiculous. history was a bore. as usual. spanish was yet another yawn. then biology which really isnt bad. then i came home. and that was about my day in a nutshell.

something in the way she moves... attracts me like no other lover... something in the way she woos me.

hum dum de dum. im in such a pleasant mood. :]
had the greatest conversations with people today and i died. my friends are great. hahaha. and people said the sketchiest things but it was strangely ok, and people were going through my skimpy outfits in my closet? never mind. haha hum hum hum. la la la.
im on drugs probably.

So if you're lonely you know I'm here waiting for you

today sucked. i had to go to school. :\
i was tired. and had no interest in thinking today, so i had planned to "forget" my gym clothes and read. which i did. it was nice. basically study hall. then geometry. that class is actually so easy. i get As on all my quizzes and Mr. DiStasio is so laid back, today we did test corrections and i got 1 problem wrong and thats all we did all class, so i basically had a free period. so i once again poured myself back into my reading. lunch was ok. i needed quiet though and the noise was a little much. however i got a 92 on my lab report for Bio and i was very pleased. as were my parents. she never tok of late points either which made me happy.
then the bus ride. very quiet. i loved it. plenty of time to think. and rest.
im feeling very reflective the past few days, just like ive been thinking a lot. maybe i just sorta had nothing to do but think.
gotta go read some more [i just realized im such a dork.] and listen to music. [does that make me a little cooler?

lets hear it for america's sweethearts, but i must confess, im in love with my own sins.

yeah ive just had so much on my mind all day. basically i had an essay to write and had severe writers block. and yeah so im gonna have to write my conclusion before school unfortunately. oh well. i think i'll finish a picture im editing. maybe write some then curl up with twilight.

We're the new face of failure...

... well no. i suppose im not a failure. but being in honors english makes me feel utterly retarded. i'd be so much better in humanities where they actually get to be creative.

". . . And after all you're my wonderwall."

notice the quotes. i drove by the house and our song came on and i longed to be a different person. why must i be so shy and cautious. i wish i was more outgoing. certainly not uncautious. . . that would make me easy. i do not wish to be easy. however i wish my skills in the romance area would be significantly better. i bet if i took a risk, ignored the nauseating stomache i get when considering being outgoing, stopped myself from considering all possible solutions and in result getting a splitting headache, i f i took that risk, i might be good at it. im good at being the nice girl who talks to boys, but i can't ever get farther than friends, or what seems like friendship. Someday. I just have to be patient. At least i don't have to get hurt. But im not afraid of breaking up. Sometimes i kinda want that. I want the most experiences i can get in my childhood. And i feel like im missing out. Oh Well. I can just dream about being that brave girl. The brave girl im not.
IF you know im talking to you, and you miraculously found this blog, and you know what i mean... you are my wonderwall. your wonderful. i only wish you felt the same way.
that was incredibly stupid and romantic, however it suits my mood.