these lyrics cause a painful yet adorably melting sensation in my heart.

Well you done done me in you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but youre so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.
I won't hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait. I'm yours.
Open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's our god-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved
I won't hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait. I'm sure.
There's no need to complicate. Our time is short
This is our fate. I'm yours

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz


I basically had it stuck in my head all day and it wasnt pleasant, but strangely was. Ya know? Bittersweet memories.

Because the sky is blue it makes me cry.

Well I'm confused beyond your wildest imagination. 

1. I like him, just as much as before, but instead of worrying how much i flirt because i don't want to come off too strong, now i worry because i don't want to flirt and have him think i'm still flirting even though he's not into me.

2. I hate him. I think when he told me he didn't like me that way, it was just a good opportunity for him to forget me and throw himself completely and totally into his "original goal". Eugene needs to discuss Ambition in the Humanities class. "Tunnel Vision."

3. Everything is absolutely fine. I can handle the just friends thing. I feel free almost. I'm not wasting my time anymore, not thinking about everything i do. Conversations lack the minimal awkwardness they had before.

4. I want him to know how i'm feeling in a face to face conversation. I don't think he is believing that i am in a very similar situation as himself, or he thinks hes in much more pain than me. b. u. l. l. s. h. i. t.

Yeah. Its been almost a week. I *should* be over it. And you all are probably sick of talking to me about it. I'm sick of it too, but Its not over. I think I'm just trying to convince myself that when he said maybe... it meant there is a chance. But my friends don't even say that. I need to just let go of him. But i can't its hard.

sigh. emotionally unstable is the perfect word for my condition.

hmmm.

things are weird. i dont know how to feel.

Colour me your colour, darling

Franz Ferdinand <3

hmm... I was just thinking about how insecure i am all the time. I've got low self-esteem. And i desperately want to change that. I want to be able to say nice things about myself. But I can't. *sigh*

My newest thing is thinking Positvely. I am no longer looking at the negative of anything. Take my crush... not going to think how everything is wrong, im going to look at all the good things I have, and all the good parts of the situation. like the fact we have a lot in common, we are already friends, he lives nearby etc. Instead of being like oh he didn't im me, or he thinks i dont like him. Idk. Its been working for me recently. And last night i did a little meditating. it really worked. I'm gonna try and keep this up.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

I fell asleep to AFI... thats quite a feat i tell you. I slept all afternoon in my grandma's cold sun room. I just crashed. I think I slept through 3 rounds of December Underground... *figures out the math*... im too lazy to do it, but its quite a while.

must go walk with my sisters and the dog.

adios.

eyes the size of baby worlds.

today was interesting.

i plan on joining invisible children.

i refuse to eat a sandwich like todays. 

i am not speaking to my dad.

not going to dance.

maybe i am. 

i hate guilt.

i want to punch someone again.

but im also happy.

im considering some sort of mood disorder.

me and shelja looked up stuff for europe.

he talked.

he gave me the finger twice.

i gave him the finger.

he managed to creep behind me.

i need music.

yes. thats all.

just one of THOSE nights

i just want to be ignored and left alone by my parents and sisters, and unsuccessful in doing so.

"You are too anti-establishment"

yes. my mother told me that today. i laughed. its very true. "An anti-establishment view or belief is one which stands in opposition to the conventional social, political, and economic principles of a society." thats me. the weird one. the unconventional, random one. the "defined personality". The art freak. Eh whatever. it makes me, me.

My mom just slammed my guitar against the wall. Shes tired, and celebrated too much for a heritage she isnt. I hope there is a dent, my guitar is too perfect. And then i can tell her I told her so.

I need plans. and i really don't want to sell cookies tommorrow. i just want to crawl into a hole until people realise things arent right in my head.

i want the ideal life. White pickett fence, two children, a dog, a husband. I want to hold hands with him when I'm too old to do anything due to my arthritis. I want to sit on the front porch of our ranch in little rocking chairs and watch the sunsets together. I want a highschool sweetheart. I want us to fight, but always make up and truely truely love each other. I want all that ridiculous love. the cliched life.

It won't happen for me. Its too much.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

great poem. I love it. I want to go to college and basically live in a coffee shop with all the artsy people and discuss literature and whatnot. :]

I have nothing else to do so I thought I would blog a bit. I've gotten bad about that recently. I guess I just couldnt say anything I wanted to say here either.

I stayed up late last night having a lovely conversation with my girls last night, allison and nikki. God, I needed one of our chatrooms. Love is a stubborn thing. I need multiple rounds of reassurance before I believe something. Which is stupid, but im fairly sure I'm not the only one. I need a good kick before I'll do something. Whatever. I ended up staying up talking until 12 30 pm. Too late for me. And by the time I fell asleep it was 1 am. I woke up at 4 am to my Zune playing You're Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer... which was the song I fell asleep to... So my playlist was looping for 3 hours while I slept. Oh well.

This morning I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was weird.

I think my grandma and aunt are coming over today. I don't mind, but i just want to be alone. You know when you want to be alone, and you dont want anyone to bother you in your deep thoughts? yeah, my mother frequently bothers me when I'm like that, and i have to clench my fists from breaking into an outburst. I'm not ever allowed to want to be alone in this house. Maybe I'll go outside and sit in the grass, listen to music, and sketch.

Come on Bring it...

so yeah things are way more complicated. but not all in the same way. i told george about him, and got the response "oh yeah i already knew that" obviously he could tell i liked him. he never struck me as observant. people certainly shock you. in fact i feel a lot better. i mean im still frustrated, but i got a nice confidence boost. and its nice not to have to hold everything in. Although i didnt get any positive hints, except that he thinks we would be good together. and that he doesnt think that he knows i like him. just interesting to see his response. at least i know im not weird, just unique.

i managed to IM him, and the conversation lasted like 2 seconds... very bummed out. oh well. i should be used to it. lets just hope things havent decided to get awkward yet.

off to bed. i have very mixed feelings right now... one: what do i do next? two: does he know? and does he mind? I'm going to inevitably be up all night thinking. I must pull out my Zune tonight. Or maybe I'll do a princess diaries marathon.... just stay up late watching it.... i think i'll do that. its friday and i have nothing else to do.

reactions.

i was certainly shocked that a boy was observant enough to see. hmm... fascinating.

Take a chance, take your shoes off, dance in the rain.

so maybe i'll get my chance to go to england. with girl scouts in 2011. hey plenty of time to raise the money.