sleep

im getting tired. i just realized how much i missed talking to someone. i talked to him for 3 hours once. in the middle of the night... well actually it was more like iming. but it still counts. part of my wants to believe he still likes me... but im sure i wasnt quick enough becuase hes with someone else. oh well. but its not oh well. i just wish i knew... that maybe i could have made a move... so i didnt have to 

wait.

its like he lead me on but also that it really was what i thought it was and that she just got in the way. like she just kinda pushed in at the wrong time. she made me less attractive to him. gosh how i would die to be like the vampires... so alluring so attractive so icy cold so perfect. but i wouldnt be a good one since blood makes me queasy.

but love makes me sick too. it makes me so happy and so depressed at the same time. it makes me want to do things and it makes me chicken out of things

why couldnt i be more open about me loving him. yes i really do think i loved him. it was different than anything else before. well different than anything else but one other time which im not going to mention now. if you know me you can ask me. 

i should have told him how i felt about him... why not take the risk of it? why not try and explain to him why... i was so sure he thought the same thing anyway... there was always a 50 / 50 chance. things could have been different and i didnt do a damn thing. why? cuz im too scared.

whats worse is he virtually led me down the path to the girlfriend thing... like he just talked to me less and less frequently... and i had to engage ims.... so i stopped thinking he would keep iming me... but it wasnt always like that... and then i went to his page. and i saw the relationship status and i was devastated. i still am but to a different extent. i wanted to cry and no one but jess understood. like for real understood. she knew where i was coming from.

i felt sad then... but now i feel regretful of what i could have said to make things different... i still havent found any guy who suits me... besides him. and i just want to get over him... i dont want to write logn blog entries and dwell on him... at least i dont have dreams of him anymore. but really i just dont understand why i care. it confuses me. love sucks at the moment.

if you read all the way down here i praise you... you stuck by me. sorry for wasting your time. but i just needed to get that out. it kills me. i want to be over him but i cant for somereason.

<3